I finally went to go see Sex and The City last night. I have several friends who wanted/offered to go see it with me, but I secretly wanted to go see it by myself. I had a feeling it would be really emotional for me, the whole happy ending, etc., and I was right.
Since it was 10:20 on a Sunday evening, there were only 2 other girls in the theater with me. They were sitting about 8 rows in front of me, so I was free to sit in the back and cry all by myself - which is exactly what I did! I cried for almost the whole movie!! And not in a "I want to go home and slit my wrists" kind of way, but in a happy, sad, angry, emotional mess kind of a way. It was kind of cathartic. Apparently I have some unresolved feeling I need to work through...
I think that the other 2 moviegoers were probably around 22-years-old. It got me to thinking about how different I was at 22 then I am now, on the eve of my 30th birthday. So much has happened, both good and bad. However, I feel like I have spent the majority of the last year of my twenties in tears. It has definitely been a rough year. I hope that as I embark on the next decade of my life, I have learned some lessons, and can effectively implement what I learned!
Ten things I hope to accomplish in my thirties:
1. Finish my thesis and get it published.
2. Finally get my undergrad thesis published.
3. Finish the book I'm working on and get that published. (I'm starting to see a theme here...)
4. Find a job I love.
5. Incorporate dance back into my life.
6. Become a licensed therapist.
7. Get my financial life in order.
8. Buy a house.
9. Get a dog :)
10. Look back at this list and be able to check off every item!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
"What if..."
I was reading a book last night in which the main character found out that her high school sweetheart got involved with the Mob and was eventually killed. She asked herself, "What if we had stayed together? Would things have been different for him? Aren't there some decisions in your life that are so profound that they not only affect your life, but the lives of those around you?" This got me thinking about K.
When we dated in high school, it was all a secret because my family didn't approve. It made things difficult for us, and ultimately, it is what came between us. After reconnecting with him, I wonder how things might have been different if we had stayed together. If he were accepted into my family, would he have gotten away from the "wrong crowd?" Maybe graduated high school and gone on to college? Or would it have worked the other way? Would he have pulled me over to the other side. Maybe I would've ended up on the wrong path... Somehow I think the first scenario sounds more accurate.
I know I can't envelop myself in "what ifs." It was just something I thought about...
When we dated in high school, it was all a secret because my family didn't approve. It made things difficult for us, and ultimately, it is what came between us. After reconnecting with him, I wonder how things might have been different if we had stayed together. If he were accepted into my family, would he have gotten away from the "wrong crowd?" Maybe graduated high school and gone on to college? Or would it have worked the other way? Would he have pulled me over to the other side. Maybe I would've ended up on the wrong path... Somehow I think the first scenario sounds more accurate.
I know I can't envelop myself in "what ifs." It was just something I thought about...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Alcohol classes and other fun events
I turn 30 in one week from today. I was going to have a party at my friend's house, but things are not going too well for her right now either, so no party. Maybe I'll just get another cat...
And while I'm still reading Bitch, I have decided that it just isn't me. It feels so unnatural to try and act that way. I think the book is good to remind women not to lose themselves in a relationship, but that's about it. I would hate to look back in a year and think things may have worked out differently if only I had been myself. So, in an effort to maintain my authenticity, I'm just going to approach K like I have wanted to all along, and just be natural with him. If things are really meant to be, then I have to trust that they will happen. As long as I am myself, then there is nothing more that I can do.
And while I'm still reading Bitch, I have decided that it just isn't me. It feels so unnatural to try and act that way. I think the book is good to remind women not to lose themselves in a relationship, but that's about it. I would hate to look back in a year and think things may have worked out differently if only I had been myself. So, in an effort to maintain my authenticity, I'm just going to approach K like I have wanted to all along, and just be natural with him. If things are really meant to be, then I have to trust that they will happen. As long as I am myself, then there is nothing more that I can do.
Blogs of Colorado Springs
In an effort to expand my blogging horizons, I sifted through the 838 blogs of people from Colorado Springs. I have learned a few things... There are lots of people who have joint blogs with their significant other. This is particularly obnoxious when the blog is listed as "Mrs. So-and-so." Hello, ladies?? Can you say, "giving up your entire identity???" I have also learned that people in Colorado Springs blog a lot about knitting, scrapbooking, and Jesus Christ. No wonder I haven't found my soul mate here!! LOL!
If anyone knows any good blogs to read, please let me know!
If anyone knows any good blogs to read, please let me know!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Getting back to life
All went well at the DMV and I am now a licensed driver again!! WOO HOO!!!!! I got my license back Wed morning and feel like I haven't really been home since then. I have been trying to make-up for the last month of doing absolutely nothing, so I have been going to school, getting back on track with my advisor, running errands, and seeing friends.
Since I haven't been home too much, I still haven't finished the Bitch book. And I haven't been implementing anything too much lately, as I think natural disasters overrule the use of the rules.
K lives in Cedar Rapids, IA. Last Tuesday, Cedar Rapids began flooding. The river finally crested Saturday and is starting to receded, but they don't expect the waters to fully recede for almost 2 weeks! K and his roommate were evacuated from their apartment last Tuesday and are not going to be able to return until at least July 1. All of downtown Cedar Rapids, every bar, restaurant, etc. that I visited while I was there is pretty much destroyed. K told me there were people's things, parts of their houses, etc. floating through the streets of downtown. I think over 24,000 people were evacuated from downtown!
Since I haven't been home too much, I still haven't finished the Bitch book. And I haven't been implementing anything too much lately, as I think natural disasters overrule the use of the rules.
K lives in Cedar Rapids, IA. Last Tuesday, Cedar Rapids began flooding. The river finally crested Saturday and is starting to receded, but they don't expect the waters to fully recede for almost 2 weeks! K and his roommate were evacuated from their apartment last Tuesday and are not going to be able to return until at least July 1. All of downtown Cedar Rapids, every bar, restaurant, etc. that I visited while I was there is pretty much destroyed. K told me there were people's things, parts of their houses, etc. floating through the streets of downtown. I think over 24,000 people were evacuated from downtown!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
"...just friends"
I saw MW last night in our quest to remain "just friends." All went well and we had a good time. He mentioned again that the only regret he has when it comes to our relationship is that he didn't fight for it when I ended it the first time. Now he is "stuck" in a situation and things between us are final. It seems that there is no longer the possibility of rekindling anything. That's fine, we can be friends... But why is it that no one ever wants to fight for me when they have me? I want to be with a man who will stand beside and who will fight for me and for our relationship. I thought maybe K would be that man, but when things got tough, he bowed out and couldn't fight for our relationship.
A girlfriend of mine recently described me as "steadfast and true" in my relationships, with both men and women. I think she's right, so why is it so difficult to find someone who possesses those same qualities and who will utilize them when it comes to his relationship with me?
I'm about halfway through the Bitch book. I still feel that it is more about self-esteem and being able to stand up for yourself than about anything else. Yesterday MW was asking me what happened with K, so I gave him the Reader's Digest version. He said, "You never know, he may come back." He's right, K might come back. In all actuality, it wouldn't surprise me if he did come back in 6 months saying that he's finally ready, has worked through all the drama, etc. But I don't know if I want to be with a man who wouldn't fight for me the first time around...
A girlfriend of mine recently described me as "steadfast and true" in my relationships, with both men and women. I think she's right, so why is it so difficult to find someone who possesses those same qualities and who will utilize them when it comes to his relationship with me?
I'm about halfway through the Bitch book. I still feel that it is more about self-esteem and being able to stand up for yourself than about anything else. Yesterday MW was asking me what happened with K, so I gave him the Reader's Digest version. He said, "You never know, he may come back." He's right, K might come back. In all actuality, it wouldn't surprise me if he did come back in 6 months saying that he's finally ready, has worked through all the drama, etc. But I don't know if I want to be with a man who wouldn't fight for me the first time around...
Sunday, June 8, 2008
I guess I'm not as big of a bitch as I thought!
I'm not the kind of girl who buys self-help books. I've tried to read them before, but I think they're bullshit (sorry, Carrie!) and make women feel bad about themselves, like they need to change in order to fit into a man's life. Ever noticed that they don't make books for men about how to fit into a woman's life? Because a man would never read a book like that, and if he did, he would never make those type of changes. However, a couple of years ago I ran across a book called Why Men Love Bitches. I thought, "That's funny, I'm a huge bitch and men don't love me!" I flipped through the book and it looked kind of funny, but I didn't buy it. However, I was at the bookstore today and ran across it again, so I decided to take the plunge. I have still only flipped through it, so I can't give a full review, but so far I like it. Some of it is obviously not applicable to most people, like when it suggests that women who are "dreamgirls," as opposed to "doormats," can't remember their boyfriend's last name. Umm... if you don't know his last name, he's not your bf. But I do feel like this book is empowering as much of it is telling women to focus on themselves and their own lifestyle; to be certain about what they want and not be afraid to refuse to settle for anything less. In some ways I think this is more a book about assertiveness than about men. I'll let you know if I still feel this way after I've read more of it.
In other news, I have successfully avoided doing any type of school related work for yet another day. But I do have plans to spend the whole day at the library tomorrow, so I guess I'll start being a productive human again.
I got a myspace message from K yesterday, which I didn't read until this afternoon. Then he promptly responded, but I have not reciprocated yet. I feel like this is a "game," which is something that I have no idea how to play. Normally I would just respond like I would to anyone, but I'm trying to learn how to be a "bitch," so I guess I'll try to play for awhile and see what happens...
In other news, I have successfully avoided doing any type of school related work for yet another day. But I do have plans to spend the whole day at the library tomorrow, so I guess I'll start being a productive human again.
I got a myspace message from K yesterday, which I didn't read until this afternoon. Then he promptly responded, but I have not reciprocated yet. I feel like this is a "game," which is something that I have no idea how to play. Normally I would just respond like I would to anyone, but I'm trying to learn how to be a "bitch," so I guess I'll try to play for awhile and see what happens...
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Why I hate chick-flicks
I heard from K yesterday. Is it possible to feel better and to feel worse at the same time?? I feel better because he called, so at least he isn't dropping off the face of the earth like Matt did. But I feel worse because he didn't meet my idealized expectations of what he should say. I realize how that sounds, and I completely blame chick-flicks for these unrealistic expectations!! Which is why I tend to avoid those movies like the plague!
However, I have seen enough of them to somehow have allowed a few of those expectations to have buried themselves in my subconscious. I want the grand gesture. I want someone, in this case, K, to make a grand gesture of his love for me. I want the romance and the fairytale. (Although I would never publicly admit this!) I have these stupid fantasies that he will randomly show up at my door or that I will pull into the parking lot one day and see his car. But, alas, that has not happened. Quite the opposite, in fact.
On the phone yesterday he was cordial, but distant. I tell myself that he is being distant because it is too painful for him to remain close; that helps me get through the day. It's breaking my heart that every day for the past 10 weeks he has been telling me how he never stopped thinking about me over the past 14 years, how he always held out hope that we would end up together, how he felt so lucky to have the opportunity to start a life with the person who he considered to be his best friend... And now it seems so easy for him to just cut me out of his life.
However, I have seen enough of them to somehow have allowed a few of those expectations to have buried themselves in my subconscious. I want the grand gesture. I want someone, in this case, K, to make a grand gesture of his love for me. I want the romance and the fairytale. (Although I would never publicly admit this!) I have these stupid fantasies that he will randomly show up at my door or that I will pull into the parking lot one day and see his car. But, alas, that has not happened. Quite the opposite, in fact.
On the phone yesterday he was cordial, but distant. I tell myself that he is being distant because it is too painful for him to remain close; that helps me get through the day. It's breaking my heart that every day for the past 10 weeks he has been telling me how he never stopped thinking about me over the past 14 years, how he always held out hope that we would end up together, how he felt so lucky to have the opportunity to start a life with the person who he considered to be his best friend... And now it seems so easy for him to just cut me out of his life.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Quick Catch-up
The last time I left you, I had just lost my license, was getting ready for the last half of the semester, and had reconnected with an old boyfriend, via myspace.
I should get my license back on Wednesday. If all goes as planned, I will walk into the DMV with no license, and walk out with my FREEDOM in tact!!! I'll keep you posted...
I managed to finish the semester doing relatively well. I got all my coursework done, got an internship at the school I wanted, and was finally feeling like my advisor didn't hate me. Oh wait... that last one only lasted for about 5 min. I'm still pretty sure he hates me.
Then we get to the old boyfriend... we'll call him K. So, he finds me, after 14 years, via myspace. We start by messaging, then by emailing, then by talking on the phone. We spent, I kid you not, like 20 hours on the phone the first weekend we talked. Things progressed pretty quickly from there. In all of my life, I never expected to talk to this man again, much less to fall for him. But I did. I feel like he brought back a part of me that I had lost all those years ago. Ultimately, this resulted in my going to visit him. I stayed for a week and had a fantastic time. I had been feeling this overwhelming emotional connection with him over the phone, but in person, that connection was even stronger, and there was an added physical connection that I didn't expect. To be honest, I didn't expect any of it to be this good, but it was. I was starting to really believe the same things that he did, that we were meant to be together.
Then I got home and the myspace drama started with the soon-to-be ex-wife... who is 32 years-old chronologically, but apparently only 13 year-old emotionally. I will spare you all of the details, but the ex-wife (we'll call her CW) appears to be totally crazy. She started making threats to him, threats to me, and using his children in order to get him to leave me. He felt like he was being forced to make a choice between being with me and being with his children. Of course, he chose to be with his kids. I wouldn't expect him to do anything different, and don't really think I would want to be with him if he chose me over his children anyway. Not in this situation.
I am very hurt and very sad. I let myself believe that there was a possibility of a future with this man. The romanticized idea that after 14 years two people could reconnect and find themselves falling back in love with each other, that fate really would lead us back together, that I could feel a connection with someone who shared so much of my life with me... all these thoughts were filling my head and I was so hurt that now all those possibilities were being taken away so quickly after I thought they had been given to me. The thing that bothers me the most though, is that CW doesn't care about him. She is trying to control him because she is upset that he has moved on so quickly and is happy, while she is still miserable. But she doesn't care about him. She doesn't care about his happiness. She is proving to be terribly manipulative and immature and I am so afraid that he will waste the next 20 years of his life in a town that he hates with a woman who treats him like he is inferior and constantly emasculates him. Just like with MW, I just want K to be happy. He has been through a lot in his life and has come out of it amazingly changed. He has grown up from a 15-year-old punk kid, to a 30-year-old man who is responsible, intelligent, and caring. He deserves better than to be treated like she is treating him and I hate her for hurting him like this. I hope that someday he can see that before it is too late. I hope that he is happy, whether that includes me or not.
The last time I heard from him he said that he wanted to still be friends because I was the best friend he ever had, which he has told me a hundred times over the past 2 months. I said of course I would still be there for him. (I have this weird ability to remain friends with my exes, so, while this may seem weird to some of you, it's pretty normal for me.) We'll see what happens...
I know that you guys don't know him, and I'm not an extremely religious person, but pray to whomever you believe in that K can see past the manipulations and make a choice that will result in his happiness. Pray that he will have the strength to get through the next few months and come out of it relatively unscathed...
xoxo
g.
I should get my license back on Wednesday. If all goes as planned, I will walk into the DMV with no license, and walk out with my FREEDOM in tact!!! I'll keep you posted...
I managed to finish the semester doing relatively well. I got all my coursework done, got an internship at the school I wanted, and was finally feeling like my advisor didn't hate me. Oh wait... that last one only lasted for about 5 min. I'm still pretty sure he hates me.
Then we get to the old boyfriend... we'll call him K. So, he finds me, after 14 years, via myspace. We start by messaging, then by emailing, then by talking on the phone. We spent, I kid you not, like 20 hours on the phone the first weekend we talked. Things progressed pretty quickly from there. In all of my life, I never expected to talk to this man again, much less to fall for him. But I did. I feel like he brought back a part of me that I had lost all those years ago. Ultimately, this resulted in my going to visit him. I stayed for a week and had a fantastic time. I had been feeling this overwhelming emotional connection with him over the phone, but in person, that connection was even stronger, and there was an added physical connection that I didn't expect. To be honest, I didn't expect any of it to be this good, but it was. I was starting to really believe the same things that he did, that we were meant to be together.
Then I got home and the myspace drama started with the soon-to-be ex-wife... who is 32 years-old chronologically, but apparently only 13 year-old emotionally. I will spare you all of the details, but the ex-wife (we'll call her CW) appears to be totally crazy. She started making threats to him, threats to me, and using his children in order to get him to leave me. He felt like he was being forced to make a choice between being with me and being with his children. Of course, he chose to be with his kids. I wouldn't expect him to do anything different, and don't really think I would want to be with him if he chose me over his children anyway. Not in this situation.
I am very hurt and very sad. I let myself believe that there was a possibility of a future with this man. The romanticized idea that after 14 years two people could reconnect and find themselves falling back in love with each other, that fate really would lead us back together, that I could feel a connection with someone who shared so much of my life with me... all these thoughts were filling my head and I was so hurt that now all those possibilities were being taken away so quickly after I thought they had been given to me. The thing that bothers me the most though, is that CW doesn't care about him. She is trying to control him because she is upset that he has moved on so quickly and is happy, while she is still miserable. But she doesn't care about him. She doesn't care about his happiness. She is proving to be terribly manipulative and immature and I am so afraid that he will waste the next 20 years of his life in a town that he hates with a woman who treats him like he is inferior and constantly emasculates him. Just like with MW, I just want K to be happy. He has been through a lot in his life and has come out of it amazingly changed. He has grown up from a 15-year-old punk kid, to a 30-year-old man who is responsible, intelligent, and caring. He deserves better than to be treated like she is treating him and I hate her for hurting him like this. I hope that someday he can see that before it is too late. I hope that he is happy, whether that includes me or not.
The last time I heard from him he said that he wanted to still be friends because I was the best friend he ever had, which he has told me a hundred times over the past 2 months. I said of course I would still be there for him. (I have this weird ability to remain friends with my exes, so, while this may seem weird to some of you, it's pretty normal for me.) We'll see what happens...
I know that you guys don't know him, and I'm not an extremely religious person, but pray to whomever you believe in that K can see past the manipulations and make a choice that will result in his happiness. Pray that he will have the strength to get through the next few months and come out of it relatively unscathed...
xoxo
g.
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