I am feeling so bitter and angry and lonely today. I don't know if its the time of year, the time of month, being snowed in for 3 days, or what... I just feel bad.
I feel bitter and angry about M and his new wife. I feel like they got to be so happy, all by hurting me. In their honeymoon pictures, he looks so happy; the way he used to look when he looked at me. I feel bitter and angry that he went back to school. He went back to school for something, I don't know what, and he talks all the time about how all he does is homework when that was one of the "reasons" he gave me for ending our relationship. He told me that I spent too much time working on school and didn't have enough time to spend with him.
I feel angry and bitter that Brother spends so much time with my ex-friend, someone who sacrificed 5 years of friendship for the possibility of getting laid. I feel angry that he would sacrifice our new sibling relationship for a girl he doesn't even know. I feel angry that he doesn't even see why it bothers me and that even though it hurts me, he does it anyway.
I feel lonely that I don't have someone to share my life with. I thought I had found that person, again, in J. I know that he wants someone to share his life with because he has said that, but he keeps me at arm's length and won't let me in. My friends all around me seem to have found their person. I thought it was going to be my turn, too, but I guess I was wrong. Again.
I want to sit in my room and cry, but when I try, the tears won't come.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
In Need of Rx
I seriously need some kind of attitude adjustment this week. Things are not going well...
School is overwhelming. I can't imagine how I am going to get everything accomplished by May. Usually there is a small inner voice that says, "Don't worry. Somehow it will all get done." Now, that voice is sitting in the fetal position crying and rocking back and forth. And, after all the bullshit and petitioning I went through, there is still a pretty good chance that I will not be able to get licensed... unless I get another MA or a PsyD or a PhD.
Money is VERY tight. And by tight, I mean overdrawn. I feel kinda like Ron Livingston in Office Space. Every day I am a little more broke than I was the day before, so every day you see me is the brokest day of my life.
The only thing that looks somewhat promising is a potential relationship, but that's still too new to tell.
I'm not sure how I'm going to pull it together...
School is overwhelming. I can't imagine how I am going to get everything accomplished by May. Usually there is a small inner voice that says, "Don't worry. Somehow it will all get done." Now, that voice is sitting in the fetal position crying and rocking back and forth. And, after all the bullshit and petitioning I went through, there is still a pretty good chance that I will not be able to get licensed... unless I get another MA or a PsyD or a PhD.
Money is VERY tight. And by tight, I mean overdrawn. I feel kinda like Ron Livingston in Office Space. Every day I am a little more broke than I was the day before, so every day you see me is the brokest day of my life.
The only thing that looks somewhat promising is a potential relationship, but that's still too new to tell.
I'm not sure how I'm going to pull it together...
Monday, September 21, 2009
Vampire Diaries
I have always been a vampire fan, but more to the tune of Anne Rice than Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the series, not the movie). I stayed away from the Twilight books because I felt like there was too much hype; the same reason I stayed away from Titanic until it had been released to TV. Having said that... I am now reading Twilight and I love it!! And I think this is my new favorite show! I might like it even more than GG or OTH!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Momma Boone
I started watching Nip/Tuck a few years ago, and it quickly became one of my favorite shows. However, I started watching in the 4th or 5th season, so I decided to play catch-up over the summer. I recently watched an episode entitled Momma Boone. In order to understand the significance of this episode in my life, I first need to give you a few random moments as a backstory.
1. I have a friend, an older woman, who was a friend of my mother's before Mom died. Actually they met in the hospital, but that's a story for a different day. Anyway, this woman and I have remained close over the years and have shared many things. One of them is our procrastination, which we have loving renamed as "our tendencies toward rebellious perfection." In other words, if we can't do it exactly the way we want it to get done, we tend to do nothing at all.
2. Before beginning graduate school, I always felt like I needed a certain amount of pressure in order to be really productive. I work well that way. But after starting grad school, there was so much to do in such a short amount of time, I felt too much pressure. WAY too much pressure. Even for me. I described it to a friend of mine as "paralyzing." There was so much to do, I didn't know where to start. It paralyzed me into inactivity.
Back to Momma Boone... In this episode, Dr. Macnamara gets called out to a house to help a woman who is extremely obese and cannot get off of her couch. She tells the Doctor that she has been on the couch for 4 years. She doesn't get up to eat or shower or change the channel or use the restroom. Subsequently, her skin has bonded to the fibers on the sofa. She has literally become attached to the furniture. In a later scene she tells Dr. Troy that she is a neat freak. She always kept an immaculate home, but slowly it got out of hand. As the chores piled up, she became more and more exhausted. She reached a point where thinking about all she had to do was so exhausting she couldn't move. She would say, "Tomorrow is another day. Get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow you can start the chores." But when tomorrow came, she was just as exhausted as she was the day before. She was paralyzed into inactivity just thinking about the amount of work she had to do.
I feel like this everyday. And almost everyday I say to myself, "It's ok that you didn't get everything (or anything) done today. Get a good rest tonight, and tomorrow you can get up early and be super productive. Think how good you'll feel!" But when tomorrow comes, all I want to do is lay in bed and watch tv.
I don't want to be Momma Boone.
1. I have a friend, an older woman, who was a friend of my mother's before Mom died. Actually they met in the hospital, but that's a story for a different day. Anyway, this woman and I have remained close over the years and have shared many things. One of them is our procrastination, which we have loving renamed as "our tendencies toward rebellious perfection." In other words, if we can't do it exactly the way we want it to get done, we tend to do nothing at all.
2. Before beginning graduate school, I always felt like I needed a certain amount of pressure in order to be really productive. I work well that way. But after starting grad school, there was so much to do in such a short amount of time, I felt too much pressure. WAY too much pressure. Even for me. I described it to a friend of mine as "paralyzing." There was so much to do, I didn't know where to start. It paralyzed me into inactivity.
Back to Momma Boone... In this episode, Dr. Macnamara gets called out to a house to help a woman who is extremely obese and cannot get off of her couch. She tells the Doctor that she has been on the couch for 4 years. She doesn't get up to eat or shower or change the channel or use the restroom. Subsequently, her skin has bonded to the fibers on the sofa. She has literally become attached to the furniture. In a later scene she tells Dr. Troy that she is a neat freak. She always kept an immaculate home, but slowly it got out of hand. As the chores piled up, she became more and more exhausted. She reached a point where thinking about all she had to do was so exhausting she couldn't move. She would say, "Tomorrow is another day. Get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow you can start the chores." But when tomorrow came, she was just as exhausted as she was the day before. She was paralyzed into inactivity just thinking about the amount of work she had to do.
I feel like this everyday. And almost everyday I say to myself, "It's ok that you didn't get everything (or anything) done today. Get a good rest tonight, and tomorrow you can get up early and be super productive. Think how good you'll feel!" But when tomorrow comes, all I want to do is lay in bed and watch tv.
I don't want to be Momma Boone.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
One step closer...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Decorating 101
Over the past weekend, my stepmom and stepsister came to visit little brother and I. This was the first time either of them had ever been inside the house. My stepmom was filled with ideas about how to decorate. There are several problems with this:
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Oh, to have the time.... But school started today and I am having a slight anxiety attack. Probably why I have spent the last hour mentally decorating the house!
I hope everyone in Blogger Land has a fabulous Monday!
xoxo
g.
P.S. Only 3 weeks until the season premiere of Gossip Girl!! OMFG!!
- I don't have any money. Maybe she forgot that I am a student who lives in loans and credit cards.
- Her style of decorating is TOTALLY different than mine. No colonial crafts, please.
- I know she is coming from a good place, but I don't really want her help to decorate my mother's old home.
But she did get me thinking about how I would like to decorate... She is not very creative in an artistic sense. She uses the word "artsy" a lot. I don't think people who use the word "artsy" to describe something creative have any real creativity or eye for art. I'm not saying that I have any works currently on display at MOMA, but I have my moments.
I think I want to do the kitchen in Tuscan colors or prints. I want to paint the wall a pale orange/yellow color and hang this print. I like the feeling of warm colors and wine. It seems so cozy to me!
Or I might go completely the opposite direction, paint the wall bright white, and print out 10 of these and frame them on the wall...
In the living room, there is one floral printed couch (ugly, but comfortable) in fall colors; rust brown, red, orange, and greens. There is also a big avocado green chair in this room. (Again, ugly, but comfortable.) Since I can't afford to buy new furniture right now, I need to work with what I have. This room is HUGE, so I want to paint at least 2 walls, maybe more, a really bold color. I'm thinking a rust/red. For the walls I may hang a bunch of copper painted frames, or this print.
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Or, to tone down the room, I could hang something simple, like this:
Oh, to have the time.... But school started today and I am having a slight anxiety attack. Probably why I have spent the last hour mentally decorating the house!
I hope everyone in Blogger Land has a fabulous Monday!
xoxo
g.
P.S. Only 3 weeks until the season premiere of Gossip Girl!! OMFG!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
"I got yo' crazy!"
Not to quote Britney Spears, but, yes, I've been a bit crazy lately. I noticed as I was writing the other day that my last two instances of severe crazy coincided with the week or so before my period. I don't remember ever being this crazy from PMS. Maybe it's an age thing? Hopefully now that I've made that connection I can keep my crazy in check a little better. Here's hoping!
P-I-N-K!!!!
When I was little, I wanted everything in my life to be pink... EVERYTHING. This would have been my dream house... Pink Walls.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Casa de Tambone!
Well, our big grand opening soiree was a success! My friend (ex-friend) G did not come (although she did try to convince little brother to go camping with her instead of staying for the party), there was no drama, nothing got stolen or broken, no one threw up, and everyone got home safely! SUCCESS!!
The best part of the party for me was having tons of laughing smiling faces in this house again after so many years of sadness and pain.
The hardest part of the party for me was the end of the night when it was just myself and an old bf talking, and I realized that we might have missed our window. At one time we were so happy, at one time I was ready to marry him, sometimes I still think we could be happy together... and other times I feel like I passed up the only opportunity I had with the best guy I've ever met.
The best part of the party for me was having tons of laughing smiling faces in this house again after so many years of sadness and pain.
The hardest part of the party for me was the end of the night when it was just myself and an old bf talking, and I realized that we might have missed our window. At one time we were so happy, at one time I was ready to marry him, sometimes I still think we could be happy together... and other times I feel like I passed up the only opportunity I had with the best guy I've ever met.
Friday, August 14, 2009
un-Great Expectations
Before little bother moved out here, we spoke on the phone frequently about all the things we would do together; see Colorado, ride roller coasters, go to concerts, and have big parties at the house. Having done very few of these things since he has been here, it is now time for our first party - The Grand Opening! Except.... he seems like he could care less, He hasn't helped me do anything to get the house ready, will not be helping me shop, and will not be helping me to prep tomorrow. Yesterday he sat downstairs and played video games for like 6 hours. I asked him to clean his bathroom last week and he told me to stop obsessing. (By the way, this was the first and only time I asked him to do anything specific in preparation for the shindig.) Then last night he told me that he doesn't even really care about the party. Well, that's just great. I have invited all my friends over so we can welcome little brother to CO and he doesn't even care. Apparently all his grand ideas of big parties where he gets to play bartender and DJ have gone by the wayside.
I had these great expectations of how things would be when he got here. I felt like maybe I would have some semblance of a normal family for the first time in my life, some type of partnership to depend on. Instead, I have alienated older brother, who is already not my biggest fan, I seem to be pushing little brother away, and I feel lonelier than I did before.
The only common denominator here is me. What is it about me that causes my relationships to be broken? Am I that emotionally damaged that I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone anymore?
I feel like everything is just a big mess and I don't know how to fix it. Maybe with the start of school in 2 weeks things will calm down. I will have to throw myself into work and maybe the tension will dissipate and we will find a happy medium. I hope so.
I had these great expectations of how things would be when he got here. I felt like maybe I would have some semblance of a normal family for the first time in my life, some type of partnership to depend on. Instead, I have alienated older brother, who is already not my biggest fan, I seem to be pushing little brother away, and I feel lonelier than I did before.
The only common denominator here is me. What is it about me that causes my relationships to be broken? Am I that emotionally damaged that I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone anymore?
I feel like everything is just a big mess and I don't know how to fix it. Maybe with the start of school in 2 weeks things will calm down. I will have to throw myself into work and maybe the tension will dissipate and we will find a happy medium. I hope so.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Did you get the memo?
I didn't start the day, or any day this week, with an early morning workout, coffee, and blog, but I'm getting a little better. I have been in such a funk lately and I really need to snap out of it. I have been so wrapped up in the drama between little brother and my friend that I have let the rest of my life slide in some ways. I was really looking forward to our housewarming party, but now I know she is going to be there, all I feel is dread. I know I need to stop; she does not have enough power over me to control my emotions. Now if I could just get that memo sent to my emotions, that would be great...
Today I will try to remember that I am the only one who controls my feelings, one person cannot take away from all the rest that is good in my life, and I don't need to gain my happiness from another person. I will take pride in my work today and enjoy an evening manicure with a girlfriend.
Hope you all have a fabulous day!! I feel better already! :)
Today I will try to remember that I am the only one who controls my feelings, one person cannot take away from all the rest that is good in my life, and I don't need to gain my happiness from another person. I will take pride in my work today and enjoy an evening manicure with a girlfriend.
Hope you all have a fabulous day!! I feel better already! :)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!"
M and I are having our very first party at the house this coming Saturday. It is a chance for us to open the house to my friends and introduce them all to the infamous little brother. I went back and forth for a long time with myself about whether or not to invite friend G.
I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact that I feel like she used me to get to M and that she in essence chose him over me. I feel like vying for his affection was more important to her than the potential harm it would do to the relationship between her and I. I know this is somewhat ridiculous and irrational, (ok, it is A LOT irrational) but it is still the way I feel. I found out recently that G and M have been talking pretty frequently and have seen each other a few times. I also know that she is continuing to act in ways for him that she would not act for other people, but that's kind of a different story.
Back to the topic at hand; we are having a party and after much deliberation, I chose not to invite her. I don't want there to be drama and I want to be able to just relax and enjoy myself. Last night at dinner M asked me if G was going to be at the party and I told him I didn't invite her. Then he told me that he already invited her... like 4 days ago. We ended up having a pretty big argument about the situation and I ended up not sleeping last night because of it. I could simply not stop ruminating about the situation!!! I can't stop feeling hurt and angry and betrayed at both of them. I hate feeling that way and I hate that I couldn't make it stop last night.
Today I called my dear friend S and asked her to "therapize" me. (She's a fabulous therapist!) She asked me to just think about the situation, not the players and to focus on me. "Gina, what message is this situation sending to you about yourself?" It stopped me dead in my tracks because the first thing that popped into my head was, "I'm not enough." Something about this situation taps into this misguided core belief I have that I'm not enough. I wasn't enough to hold on to ex-bf M, my friendship isn't enough or important enough to G for her to respect this one request of mine, and I'm not enough even for my family. I'm not enough and I'm not worthy of receiving anyone's unconditional love.
This isn't something that I think on a conscious level, or that I'm even aware of most of the time, but apparently its there. So how do I deal with it? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact that I feel like she used me to get to M and that she in essence chose him over me. I feel like vying for his affection was more important to her than the potential harm it would do to the relationship between her and I. I know this is somewhat ridiculous and irrational, (ok, it is A LOT irrational) but it is still the way I feel. I found out recently that G and M have been talking pretty frequently and have seen each other a few times. I also know that she is continuing to act in ways for him that she would not act for other people, but that's kind of a different story.
Back to the topic at hand; we are having a party and after much deliberation, I chose not to invite her. I don't want there to be drama and I want to be able to just relax and enjoy myself. Last night at dinner M asked me if G was going to be at the party and I told him I didn't invite her. Then he told me that he already invited her... like 4 days ago. We ended up having a pretty big argument about the situation and I ended up not sleeping last night because of it. I could simply not stop ruminating about the situation!!! I can't stop feeling hurt and angry and betrayed at both of them. I hate feeling that way and I hate that I couldn't make it stop last night.
Today I called my dear friend S and asked her to "therapize" me. (She's a fabulous therapist!) She asked me to just think about the situation, not the players and to focus on me. "Gina, what message is this situation sending to you about yourself?" It stopped me dead in my tracks because the first thing that popped into my head was, "I'm not enough." Something about this situation taps into this misguided core belief I have that I'm not enough. I wasn't enough to hold on to ex-bf M, my friendship isn't enough or important enough to G for her to respect this one request of mine, and I'm not enough even for my family. I'm not enough and I'm not worthy of receiving anyone's unconditional love.
This isn't something that I think on a conscious level, or that I'm even aware of most of the time, but apparently its there. So how do I deal with it? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
The Early Bird
I've just spent a bit of time checking out some other blogs. I wish I had time to maintain a blog that way, with beautiful pictures and videos, clever writings, and the ability to keep it up to date. I wish I was the kind of person who loved early morning alone time. If I were, I would get up around 5am, have a nice, hot cup of coffee, and write in my blog for the day. Then I would have a quick workout, shower, and start my day relaxed and ready to take on the world. Instead, I sleep until the very last second I possibly can, am running perpetually 10 min late, and haven't worked out forever. Also, I am the world's best procrastinator. School starts in 2 weeks. I was supposed to have my thesis ready to propose by the end of the month. However, since I haven't looked at it in about a year, I'm thinking that's not going to happen...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Love Notes and Lavatories
I feel like I should start by apologizing for my last rant about my friend G and my little brother... but that's what blogging is all about right? Say what you want, how you want, with no apologies. So I'll just move forward...
I have been trying to live this past year always keeping in the back of my head the thought of giving back to others. I feel like, overall, I have done a pretty good job (e.g., Once a Month Charity Club, Locks of Love, volunteering, etc.). Although the ways I have given back to others have been small, it is the spirit of giving that is important; at least to me, and at least for now. This brings me to my experience at the movie theater bathroom last week.
A friend and I went to see The Ugly Truth (which wasn't that good). After the movie, I went to use the restroom. When I walked into the stall and shut the door, I looked down at the toilet and saw a post-it note, posted on the inside back of the toilet that read, "U R beautiful - no matter what the scale says!" It was posted in such a way that, even after a flush, the note stays there. I immediately smiled and chuckled to myself, then I bent down with my phone and took a picture of it. (I'm sure if there were other people in the restroom they probably thought I was crazy; giggling to myself and taking pictures in the bathroom stall.) I left the bathroom feeling ridiculously happy for something so small, but that fact that someone left the note in the first place is really what made me smile.
I have been trying to live this past year always keeping in the back of my head the thought of giving back to others. I feel like, overall, I have done a pretty good job (e.g., Once a Month Charity Club, Locks of Love, volunteering, etc.). Although the ways I have given back to others have been small, it is the spirit of giving that is important; at least to me, and at least for now. This brings me to my experience at the movie theater bathroom last week.
A friend and I went to see The Ugly Truth (which wasn't that good). After the movie, I went to use the restroom. When I walked into the stall and shut the door, I looked down at the toilet and saw a post-it note, posted on the inside back of the toilet that read, "U R beautiful - no matter what the scale says!" It was posted in such a way that, even after a flush, the note stays there. I immediately smiled and chuckled to myself, then I bent down with my phone and took a picture of it. (I'm sure if there were other people in the restroom they probably thought I was crazy; giggling to myself and taking pictures in the bathroom stall.) I left the bathroom feeling ridiculously happy for something so small, but that fact that someone left the note in the first place is really what made me smile.
So today I bought a new pack of post-its and a keychain marker. I will carry them with me always and leave random notes of positivity wherever I go! Just doing my part to spread a little cheer throughout the world!
Thank you, Random Bathroom Post-It Note Affirmation Lady!!!
Thank you, Random Bathroom Post-It Note Affirmation Lady!!!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Cleaning out the closet...
Dear Friend G,
Our friendship has been one of convenience for you. I have thought this many times, and it has been pointed out to me even more times, but I am finally starting to REALLY see it. Let me explain...
In the past 2 years, ever since you broke your arm and moved into your new apartment, I feel like you have been stuck in a funk. Or maybe you always were and I just never noticed. At any rate, I have always tried to be there for you and include you in my life, since I have also been the most busy of my whole life during the past 2 years. I invite you out to school functions, but you sit there like a log and then bitch about how much you dislike my school friends. I invite you to friend's houses or functions I'm going to, and if you can't find anything better to do, then you reluctantly show up. I invite you to go out just the 2 of us but you "never have any money" or don't go out here because "Colorado Springs is stupid." Then you turn around and invite a friend or family member down from Denver, miraculously find money to go out in "stupid" Colorado Springs, and never think to invite me. You also never invite me to any other function that you might go to. Do you see a pattern here? You need me when you don't have anyone else. And the current situation with M is not different, except that now I get to be your Plan B in my own house.
Yes, I told you initially that I didn't care what happened between you two and then I changed my mind. Was that fair? Probably not. I tried to take the high road and talk to you about it like a grown-up and you said our friendship was "too important" to you to let this get in the way. And in the same breath you ask me what I would do if it happened again. Sounds like you never had any intention of backing off, which became evident in the next two weeks as you persistently called and texted me with reasons for you to come over to my house. Did you think I wouldn't see right through this as an excuse for you to come over and maybe see my brother?
I know I can't keep you two apart, so now that you have each others numbers, I assume you won't be calling me to hang out anymore. I feel like you just couldn't let it go, like you chose the potential of him over the guarantee of my friendship, like you sacrificed the past 5 years for the chance to get laid. I'm done. I don't trust you with my friendship and I'm tired of feeling like you use me.
Additionally, it's kind of ironic that you talk so much shit about my friend B, whom you barely know, and how you don't like the way she treats me. You're right, she is critical of me at times, but she and I have been friends for 10 years and she has held me hand, both literally and figuratively, through more heartache than I can count. And despite her flaws, she is genuine with me. She doesn't lie or use me to get what she wants, and I am not a back-up plan for her.
Our friendship has been one of convenience for you. I have thought this many times, and it has been pointed out to me even more times, but I am finally starting to REALLY see it. Let me explain...
In the past 2 years, ever since you broke your arm and moved into your new apartment, I feel like you have been stuck in a funk. Or maybe you always were and I just never noticed. At any rate, I have always tried to be there for you and include you in my life, since I have also been the most busy of my whole life during the past 2 years. I invite you out to school functions, but you sit there like a log and then bitch about how much you dislike my school friends. I invite you to friend's houses or functions I'm going to, and if you can't find anything better to do, then you reluctantly show up. I invite you to go out just the 2 of us but you "never have any money" or don't go out here because "Colorado Springs is stupid." Then you turn around and invite a friend or family member down from Denver, miraculously find money to go out in "stupid" Colorado Springs, and never think to invite me. You also never invite me to any other function that you might go to. Do you see a pattern here? You need me when you don't have anyone else. And the current situation with M is not different, except that now I get to be your Plan B in my own house.
Yes, I told you initially that I didn't care what happened between you two and then I changed my mind. Was that fair? Probably not. I tried to take the high road and talk to you about it like a grown-up and you said our friendship was "too important" to you to let this get in the way. And in the same breath you ask me what I would do if it happened again. Sounds like you never had any intention of backing off, which became evident in the next two weeks as you persistently called and texted me with reasons for you to come over to my house. Did you think I wouldn't see right through this as an excuse for you to come over and maybe see my brother?
I know I can't keep you two apart, so now that you have each others numbers, I assume you won't be calling me to hang out anymore. I feel like you just couldn't let it go, like you chose the potential of him over the guarantee of my friendship, like you sacrificed the past 5 years for the chance to get laid. I'm done. I don't trust you with my friendship and I'm tired of feeling like you use me.
Additionally, it's kind of ironic that you talk so much shit about my friend B, whom you barely know, and how you don't like the way she treats me. You're right, she is critical of me at times, but she and I have been friends for 10 years and she has held me hand, both literally and figuratively, through more heartache than I can count. And despite her flaws, she is genuine with me. She doesn't lie or use me to get what she wants, and I am not a back-up plan for her.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friends & Brothers
So, if I really liked my friends, I shouldn't have a problem with them hooking up with my little brother, right?? Well, I thought I wouldn't. In fact, it never even crossed my mind that I would care if he slept with all of my friends. Whatever. But now that it happened, I want to stab her in the eye... I guess I just never thought about her potential for clinginess and that now she would be around ALL THE TIME and invite herself to EVERYTHING that we do. I had a conversation with the brother and he said I would not need to ever have that conversation with him again. And I told her I was uncomfortable with the situation. I think he heard me (maybe) and she definitely did not. They are downstairs right now and I can hear them talking and I want to puke and scream and kick her out of my house. But if she's supposed to be such a good friend, then WTF is my problem???
My friends are my friends for a reason, and that is that I am able to keep my boundaries. I share what I want, when I want, with who I want. Now the boundaries feel all blurred and I feel like she is infiltrating every part of my life. I can't deal with that; I need more space!!! I feel trapped in my own bedroom... all except the part when I can hear her giggling from my brother's bedroom directly below me.
FML.
My friends are my friends for a reason, and that is that I am able to keep my boundaries. I share what I want, when I want, with who I want. Now the boundaries feel all blurred and I feel like she is infiltrating every part of my life. I can't deal with that; I need more space!!! I feel trapped in my own bedroom... all except the part when I can hear her giggling from my brother's bedroom directly below me.
FML.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Back to the 'hood
How is it that I am busier now during "summer vacation" that I was all last semester?!?!
My semester ended in mid-May, but I have been running non-stop since then! I was finishing up my internship/practicum and starting two new jobs during the last two weeks in May. I also took a non-trip to Kansas City for friend L's wedding. It was such a nightmare and I never even made it to the wedding!! And to top it off, I think she's pissed at me now, since she hasn't responded to any of my attempts at contacting her! WTF?!
Also during that time, I was preparing to move. Now, I hate moving anyway, but this was really bad... I had the opportunity to move back into my Gramma's house (the house I grew up in) since she passed away last summer. However, the crazy bitch that was living there totally trashed the place. She was supposed to be out by the 15th so I could have 2 weeks to clean, but she wasn't fully out until more like the 27th. I moved in on the 29th, but it was kind of a disaster. Imagine 4 stories of dirt, cobwebs, moth, dust, etc., having to still go through and sort out Gramma's old stuff, trash, donations, etc., and then moving all my stuff in on top of the existing disaster. Ugh... it makes me tired just to write it. At any rate, we (me, my aunt, and my uncle)are making progress, the crazy bitch is totally gone, and my little brother moves in tomorrow!! Which is a nice segue...
After my trip to VA during Christmastime, my little brother and I concocted a plan for him to move out to CS and be my roommate in Gramma's house. After months pf planning, it is finally happening!! He and my dad left VA yesterday morning, spent the night in KY, will make it most of the way through KS today (fuck Kansas City), and will arrive in CS tomorrow afternoon! I am so excited!!!! Although the house still needs a lot of work, it is coming together and I finished setting up my bro's new room last night. I will try to post pictures sometime soon so I can share the progress with everyone!
My semester ended in mid-May, but I have been running non-stop since then! I was finishing up my internship/practicum and starting two new jobs during the last two weeks in May. I also took a non-trip to Kansas City for friend L's wedding. It was such a nightmare and I never even made it to the wedding!! And to top it off, I think she's pissed at me now, since she hasn't responded to any of my attempts at contacting her! WTF?!
Also during that time, I was preparing to move. Now, I hate moving anyway, but this was really bad... I had the opportunity to move back into my Gramma's house (the house I grew up in) since she passed away last summer. However, the crazy bitch that was living there totally trashed the place. She was supposed to be out by the 15th so I could have 2 weeks to clean, but she wasn't fully out until more like the 27th. I moved in on the 29th, but it was kind of a disaster. Imagine 4 stories of dirt, cobwebs, moth, dust, etc., having to still go through and sort out Gramma's old stuff, trash, donations, etc., and then moving all my stuff in on top of the existing disaster. Ugh... it makes me tired just to write it. At any rate, we (me, my aunt, and my uncle)are making progress, the crazy bitch is totally gone, and my little brother moves in tomorrow!! Which is a nice segue...
After my trip to VA during Christmastime, my little brother and I concocted a plan for him to move out to CS and be my roommate in Gramma's house. After months pf planning, it is finally happening!! He and my dad left VA yesterday morning, spent the night in KY, will make it most of the way through KS today (fuck Kansas City), and will arrive in CS tomorrow afternoon! I am so excited!!!! Although the house still needs a lot of work, it is coming together and I finished setting up my bro's new room last night. I will try to post pictures sometime soon so I can share the progress with everyone!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Suki's Latest Trick
With nothing new to report this evening, I thought I would share Suki's most recent feat of amazement... balancing on the towel rod in the bathroom!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place, but it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in...it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
~ Portia Nelson
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place, but it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in...it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
~ Portia Nelson
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Giving Back
Really?! The last time I posted was in November?!?! Wow, you would think that either my life is so exciting I can't find time to write, or my life is so boring I have nothing to write about... Unfortunately it's closer to the second option.
School has been good, but busy. I have actually been doing some work lately, so that's good! The holidays were great, probably the best I've had in 10 years or more. I was beginning to feel a little bored in January, so I started to step up my social life. I made all those phone calls to people I hadn't seen in forever and set up lunch dates, dinner, movies, etc. It's been really nice to see some old friends again! And I function better when I'm busy anyway. I got to spend one glorious weekend with friend, M, last month! She was my Valentine and we had a fabulous time together!! I think my dad and his side of the fam will be here to visit in April and I'm really looking forward to that. And the biggest news is that my little brother, who lives in VA, is planning to move out here this summer! I'm sure there will be much more about that later...
In my boredom I started to feel like I needed to take a more active role in my life, including doing things for other people. Now, I don't have a lot of money or time to donate, but I figured little steps can change the world, right? So, at the prompt from M, I joined Facebook's Once a Month Charity Club, I donated blood (actually, I tried to donate blood, but my iron was too low, so now I'm taking supplements so I can donate in April), and I volunteered to judge the Pikes Peak Regional Science Fair yesterday. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it's a start! Over the summer I had to do 24 additional hours of community service, and I did them at the Humane Society. I actually really enjoyed it, and I am thinking about trying to do something like that again after the semester ends (minus the pesky court order).
School has been good, but busy. I have actually been doing some work lately, so that's good! The holidays were great, probably the best I've had in 10 years or more. I was beginning to feel a little bored in January, so I started to step up my social life. I made all those phone calls to people I hadn't seen in forever and set up lunch dates, dinner, movies, etc. It's been really nice to see some old friends again! And I function better when I'm busy anyway. I got to spend one glorious weekend with friend, M, last month! She was my Valentine and we had a fabulous time together!! I think my dad and his side of the fam will be here to visit in April and I'm really looking forward to that. And the biggest news is that my little brother, who lives in VA, is planning to move out here this summer! I'm sure there will be much more about that later...
In my boredom I started to feel like I needed to take a more active role in my life, including doing things for other people. Now, I don't have a lot of money or time to donate, but I figured little steps can change the world, right? So, at the prompt from M, I joined Facebook's Once a Month Charity Club, I donated blood (actually, I tried to donate blood, but my iron was too low, so now I'm taking supplements so I can donate in April), and I volunteered to judge the Pikes Peak Regional Science Fair yesterday. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it's a start! Over the summer I had to do 24 additional hours of community service, and I did them at the Humane Society. I actually really enjoyed it, and I am thinking about trying to do something like that again after the semester ends (minus the pesky court order).
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