Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Blush!
I hardly ever watch reality TV, save for a few shows... So You Think You Can Dance, Celebrity Rehab, and American Idol. I think that's pretty much it... until I came across a certain show on Lifetime. It's called Blush: The Search for the Next Great Makeup Artist. I love this show!!! Anyone who knows me knows my love of all things makeup! I would totally rock on this show!!!! Except that I would probably be one of the crazies who got all fired up and fought with the hot mess, train wreck, freak show known as Maxi!
Spinning
I'm not sure why, but after reading my dear friend M's blog for the first time in what seems like ages, I can't stop crying. I miss you, M! So much of what you say I feel like I can relate to; like we share a brain! I wish we were closer to each other! Although now, instead of needing a co-pilot for psycho-girl drive-bys, I just stalk people on myspace :)
I've just been feeling kind of raw lately... Doing therapy is hard. Grad school is hard. I had to go back to therapy (which is recommended for all of us poor grad students). Therapy is hard. Relationships are hard. I am lonely. I am tired of having to do it all alone and all by myself.
My aunt and uncle have abandoned me this year for Thanksgiving, so I am having my very first Thanksgiving at my teeny tiny apartment. I also decided to go visit my dad for Christmas. For the first time in 25 years I will not be spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with my ever dwindling family. I can't decide if this is going to be the most painful or the most cleansing holiday of my life.
I just remembered that I made Tension Tamer tea! Going to drink tea and relax a little... Lots of cooking to do tomorrow!!
I've just been feeling kind of raw lately... Doing therapy is hard. Grad school is hard. I had to go back to therapy (which is recommended for all of us poor grad students). Therapy is hard. Relationships are hard. I am lonely. I am tired of having to do it all alone and all by myself.
My aunt and uncle have abandoned me this year for Thanksgiving, so I am having my very first Thanksgiving at my teeny tiny apartment. I also decided to go visit my dad for Christmas. For the first time in 25 years I will not be spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with my ever dwindling family. I can't decide if this is going to be the most painful or the most cleansing holiday of my life.
I just remembered that I made Tension Tamer tea! Going to drink tea and relax a little... Lots of cooking to do tomorrow!!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sibling Rivalry
My teacher didn't end up approving my blog for class. I guess it was too much trouble... Oh well. I'll just have to do it the old fashioned way!
So, things have been pretty good lately. School is crazy stressful, but that is to be expected. I just learned how to do a bunch of fancy data analysis on SPSS, and that makes me feel super smart! I got my first 2 real cases at my practicum site, so I will actually be able to practice doing individual therapy! That is very exciting for me because last week I was feeling a bit out of sorts in comparison with the rest of my class.
Unfortunately, not everything is as good as my professional life. Then again, nothing ever is... Last week my brother asked me for a favor which I could not accommodate. Now he is not speaking to me. I think other siblings must go through this stuff all the time, but my brother and I have not gone this long without speaking in almost 10 years; not since his accident. Now, because I couldn't do this one thing for him, he is punishing me. Now there's one more man to add to the list of men in my life whose relationships with me are clearly conditional. I just never thought it would be him...
So, things have been pretty good lately. School is crazy stressful, but that is to be expected. I just learned how to do a bunch of fancy data analysis on SPSS, and that makes me feel super smart! I got my first 2 real cases at my practicum site, so I will actually be able to practice doing individual therapy! That is very exciting for me because last week I was feeling a bit out of sorts in comparison with the rest of my class.
Unfortunately, not everything is as good as my professional life. Then again, nothing ever is... Last week my brother asked me for a favor which I could not accommodate. Now he is not speaking to me. I think other siblings must go through this stuff all the time, but my brother and I have not gone this long without speaking in almost 10 years; not since his accident. Now, because I couldn't do this one thing for him, he is punishing me. Now there's one more man to add to the list of men in my life whose relationships with me are clearly conditional. I just never thought it would be him...
Monday, September 1, 2008
What I Did on My Summer Vacation
Hello fellow bloggers! And by that I mean Michele, because I think she's the only one who reads this. :) As summer draws to a close, I was just reflecting on the past few months. Overall, it has been kind of a slow summer. No vacations, other than the trip to Iowa. No summer flings. Nothin'. Maybe that's ok. Maybe it's just what I needed.
There was some more baby-mama-drama from K and his soon-to-be-ex-wife, so I ended it. I told him to call me when he was done playing games. Needless to say, I haven't really heard from him since then. One interesting point about this... When I ended it with him, I told him that I deserved better, that I deserved to be with someone who was willing to fight for me and who would be there for me. Although I may have felt this many times before in my life, this is the first time I have ever said it out loud. Yeah me!!
Also on the relationship front, I never finished reading Bitches, but I will someday. After having some time to reflect on this part of my summer, I stick with my initial reaction to these types of books - they're toxic. The most tumultuous part of my summer was after I got back from Iowa when all that drama was going on, I was reading that book, and spending tons of time with one of my girlfriends who lives by those types of books. As soon as I put the book away and started listening to my gut again, the drama subsided. And recently, when it reared its ugly head again, I didn't play into it, I cut it off. Done. Those books teach women rules, and then they get so involved in what they think they should be doing or saying or feeling, that they forget to listen to themselves and how they actually feel. A more helpful relationship book would involve teaching women skills to learn how to listen to their own instincts, not the rules according to Dr. Laura. Maybe I should write that... Yeah right, in my "spare" time.
As some of you may notice, and again, by that I mean Michele, I started a separate blog for my Ethics class. Who knows, it may turn out to be more interesting than this one!
xoxo
♥
There was some more baby-mama-drama from K and his soon-to-be-ex-wife, so I ended it. I told him to call me when he was done playing games. Needless to say, I haven't really heard from him since then. One interesting point about this... When I ended it with him, I told him that I deserved better, that I deserved to be with someone who was willing to fight for me and who would be there for me. Although I may have felt this many times before in my life, this is the first time I have ever said it out loud. Yeah me!!
Also on the relationship front, I never finished reading Bitches, but I will someday. After having some time to reflect on this part of my summer, I stick with my initial reaction to these types of books - they're toxic. The most tumultuous part of my summer was after I got back from Iowa when all that drama was going on, I was reading that book, and spending tons of time with one of my girlfriends who lives by those types of books. As soon as I put the book away and started listening to my gut again, the drama subsided. And recently, when it reared its ugly head again, I didn't play into it, I cut it off. Done. Those books teach women rules, and then they get so involved in what they think they should be doing or saying or feeling, that they forget to listen to themselves and how they actually feel. A more helpful relationship book would involve teaching women skills to learn how to listen to their own instincts, not the rules according to Dr. Laura. Maybe I should write that... Yeah right, in my "spare" time.
As some of you may notice, and again, by that I mean Michele, I started a separate blog for my Ethics class. Who knows, it may turn out to be more interesting than this one!
xoxo
♥
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Evelyn Louise Bowen
Just as life starts to get back to "normal" there has to be a crisis, right?
Let me give you some history first... My parents were divorced when I was a baby. My mom then moved my brother and I to Colorado Springs because that's where her parents lived. I spent lots of time with my gramma when I was little, then, after my mom died in 1990, my gramma raised me. For the past few years, my gramma has been living with my aunt and uncle due to the increasing severity of her Alzheimer's Disease. Finally, on June 30, she lost the battle and passed away.
I have known this moment was coming and have been dreading it for years. Now that it has come and gone, I feel... nothing. At least, I don't feel like I thought I would. It's been almost 2 weeks since she passed, and I haven't even cried. I feel almost relieved for her. And, truthfully, I feel relieved for my aunt and uncle. I know it has been a strain on them to care for her 24 hours a day, especially during this past year. I guess for me, it feels like I lost my gramma several years ago. Long gone are the days when she would yell at me for wearing too much makeup, or for hanging out with the wrong crowd, like she did when I was a teenager.
I have been trying to think about the relationship we had as adults, but we didn't really get to have one. By the time I had moved out of the house, and grown up enough to not act like such a bitch all the time, she had already started her mental decline. Two summers ago I flew with her to visit her family in West Virginia. The trip out was fine and we had a good time together. But after I got there, I got to see how much she had declined. She was paranoid and angry, and even became violent with me at one point. However, when I flew back out to pick her up, she was the same happy gramma I had left Colorado with. I don't think she even remembered the trip, but I am glad that I have those memories with her.
Gramma ~
I love you and will miss you greatly! Give Mom and Pa-Bill a hug for me!!
Love Gina
xoxo
Let me give you some history first... My parents were divorced when I was a baby. My mom then moved my brother and I to Colorado Springs because that's where her parents lived. I spent lots of time with my gramma when I was little, then, after my mom died in 1990, my gramma raised me. For the past few years, my gramma has been living with my aunt and uncle due to the increasing severity of her Alzheimer's Disease. Finally, on June 30, she lost the battle and passed away.
I have known this moment was coming and have been dreading it for years. Now that it has come and gone, I feel... nothing. At least, I don't feel like I thought I would. It's been almost 2 weeks since she passed, and I haven't even cried. I feel almost relieved for her. And, truthfully, I feel relieved for my aunt and uncle. I know it has been a strain on them to care for her 24 hours a day, especially during this past year. I guess for me, it feels like I lost my gramma several years ago. Long gone are the days when she would yell at me for wearing too much makeup, or for hanging out with the wrong crowd, like she did when I was a teenager.
I have been trying to think about the relationship we had as adults, but we didn't really get to have one. By the time I had moved out of the house, and grown up enough to not act like such a bitch all the time, she had already started her mental decline. Two summers ago I flew with her to visit her family in West Virginia. The trip out was fine and we had a good time together. But after I got there, I got to see how much she had declined. She was paranoid and angry, and even became violent with me at one point. However, when I flew back out to pick her up, she was the same happy gramma I had left Colorado with. I don't think she even remembered the trip, but I am glad that I have those memories with her.
This picture was taken in my gramma's backyard about 22 years ago. At this point in time, she and I were inseparable! We did everything together!!
Gramma ~
I love you and will miss you greatly! Give Mom and Pa-Bill a hug for me!!
Love Gina
xoxo
Monday, June 23, 2008
The next chapter
I finally went to go see Sex and The City last night. I have several friends who wanted/offered to go see it with me, but I secretly wanted to go see it by myself. I had a feeling it would be really emotional for me, the whole happy ending, etc., and I was right.
Since it was 10:20 on a Sunday evening, there were only 2 other girls in the theater with me. They were sitting about 8 rows in front of me, so I was free to sit in the back and cry all by myself - which is exactly what I did! I cried for almost the whole movie!! And not in a "I want to go home and slit my wrists" kind of way, but in a happy, sad, angry, emotional mess kind of a way. It was kind of cathartic. Apparently I have some unresolved feeling I need to work through...
I think that the other 2 moviegoers were probably around 22-years-old. It got me to thinking about how different I was at 22 then I am now, on the eve of my 30th birthday. So much has happened, both good and bad. However, I feel like I have spent the majority of the last year of my twenties in tears. It has definitely been a rough year. I hope that as I embark on the next decade of my life, I have learned some lessons, and can effectively implement what I learned!
Ten things I hope to accomplish in my thirties:
1. Finish my thesis and get it published.
2. Finally get my undergrad thesis published.
3. Finish the book I'm working on and get that published. (I'm starting to see a theme here...)
4. Find a job I love.
5. Incorporate dance back into my life.
6. Become a licensed therapist.
7. Get my financial life in order.
8. Buy a house.
9. Get a dog :)
10. Look back at this list and be able to check off every item!
Since it was 10:20 on a Sunday evening, there were only 2 other girls in the theater with me. They were sitting about 8 rows in front of me, so I was free to sit in the back and cry all by myself - which is exactly what I did! I cried for almost the whole movie!! And not in a "I want to go home and slit my wrists" kind of way, but in a happy, sad, angry, emotional mess kind of a way. It was kind of cathartic. Apparently I have some unresolved feeling I need to work through...
I think that the other 2 moviegoers were probably around 22-years-old. It got me to thinking about how different I was at 22 then I am now, on the eve of my 30th birthday. So much has happened, both good and bad. However, I feel like I have spent the majority of the last year of my twenties in tears. It has definitely been a rough year. I hope that as I embark on the next decade of my life, I have learned some lessons, and can effectively implement what I learned!
Ten things I hope to accomplish in my thirties:
1. Finish my thesis and get it published.
2. Finally get my undergrad thesis published.
3. Finish the book I'm working on and get that published. (I'm starting to see a theme here...)
4. Find a job I love.
5. Incorporate dance back into my life.
6. Become a licensed therapist.
7. Get my financial life in order.
8. Buy a house.
9. Get a dog :)
10. Look back at this list and be able to check off every item!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
"What if..."
I was reading a book last night in which the main character found out that her high school sweetheart got involved with the Mob and was eventually killed. She asked herself, "What if we had stayed together? Would things have been different for him? Aren't there some decisions in your life that are so profound that they not only affect your life, but the lives of those around you?" This got me thinking about K.
When we dated in high school, it was all a secret because my family didn't approve. It made things difficult for us, and ultimately, it is what came between us. After reconnecting with him, I wonder how things might have been different if we had stayed together. If he were accepted into my family, would he have gotten away from the "wrong crowd?" Maybe graduated high school and gone on to college? Or would it have worked the other way? Would he have pulled me over to the other side. Maybe I would've ended up on the wrong path... Somehow I think the first scenario sounds more accurate.
I know I can't envelop myself in "what ifs." It was just something I thought about...
When we dated in high school, it was all a secret because my family didn't approve. It made things difficult for us, and ultimately, it is what came between us. After reconnecting with him, I wonder how things might have been different if we had stayed together. If he were accepted into my family, would he have gotten away from the "wrong crowd?" Maybe graduated high school and gone on to college? Or would it have worked the other way? Would he have pulled me over to the other side. Maybe I would've ended up on the wrong path... Somehow I think the first scenario sounds more accurate.
I know I can't envelop myself in "what ifs." It was just something I thought about...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Alcohol classes and other fun events
I turn 30 in one week from today. I was going to have a party at my friend's house, but things are not going too well for her right now either, so no party. Maybe I'll just get another cat...
And while I'm still reading Bitch, I have decided that it just isn't me. It feels so unnatural to try and act that way. I think the book is good to remind women not to lose themselves in a relationship, but that's about it. I would hate to look back in a year and think things may have worked out differently if only I had been myself. So, in an effort to maintain my authenticity, I'm just going to approach K like I have wanted to all along, and just be natural with him. If things are really meant to be, then I have to trust that they will happen. As long as I am myself, then there is nothing more that I can do.
And while I'm still reading Bitch, I have decided that it just isn't me. It feels so unnatural to try and act that way. I think the book is good to remind women not to lose themselves in a relationship, but that's about it. I would hate to look back in a year and think things may have worked out differently if only I had been myself. So, in an effort to maintain my authenticity, I'm just going to approach K like I have wanted to all along, and just be natural with him. If things are really meant to be, then I have to trust that they will happen. As long as I am myself, then there is nothing more that I can do.
Blogs of Colorado Springs
In an effort to expand my blogging horizons, I sifted through the 838 blogs of people from Colorado Springs. I have learned a few things... There are lots of people who have joint blogs with their significant other. This is particularly obnoxious when the blog is listed as "Mrs. So-and-so." Hello, ladies?? Can you say, "giving up your entire identity???" I have also learned that people in Colorado Springs blog a lot about knitting, scrapbooking, and Jesus Christ. No wonder I haven't found my soul mate here!! LOL!
If anyone knows any good blogs to read, please let me know!
If anyone knows any good blogs to read, please let me know!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Getting back to life
All went well at the DMV and I am now a licensed driver again!! WOO HOO!!!!! I got my license back Wed morning and feel like I haven't really been home since then. I have been trying to make-up for the last month of doing absolutely nothing, so I have been going to school, getting back on track with my advisor, running errands, and seeing friends.
Since I haven't been home too much, I still haven't finished the Bitch book. And I haven't been implementing anything too much lately, as I think natural disasters overrule the use of the rules.
K lives in Cedar Rapids, IA. Last Tuesday, Cedar Rapids began flooding. The river finally crested Saturday and is starting to receded, but they don't expect the waters to fully recede for almost 2 weeks! K and his roommate were evacuated from their apartment last Tuesday and are not going to be able to return until at least July 1. All of downtown Cedar Rapids, every bar, restaurant, etc. that I visited while I was there is pretty much destroyed. K told me there were people's things, parts of their houses, etc. floating through the streets of downtown. I think over 24,000 people were evacuated from downtown!
Since I haven't been home too much, I still haven't finished the Bitch book. And I haven't been implementing anything too much lately, as I think natural disasters overrule the use of the rules.
K lives in Cedar Rapids, IA. Last Tuesday, Cedar Rapids began flooding. The river finally crested Saturday and is starting to receded, but they don't expect the waters to fully recede for almost 2 weeks! K and his roommate were evacuated from their apartment last Tuesday and are not going to be able to return until at least July 1. All of downtown Cedar Rapids, every bar, restaurant, etc. that I visited while I was there is pretty much destroyed. K told me there were people's things, parts of their houses, etc. floating through the streets of downtown. I think over 24,000 people were evacuated from downtown!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
"...just friends"
I saw MW last night in our quest to remain "just friends." All went well and we had a good time. He mentioned again that the only regret he has when it comes to our relationship is that he didn't fight for it when I ended it the first time. Now he is "stuck" in a situation and things between us are final. It seems that there is no longer the possibility of rekindling anything. That's fine, we can be friends... But why is it that no one ever wants to fight for me when they have me? I want to be with a man who will stand beside and who will fight for me and for our relationship. I thought maybe K would be that man, but when things got tough, he bowed out and couldn't fight for our relationship.
A girlfriend of mine recently described me as "steadfast and true" in my relationships, with both men and women. I think she's right, so why is it so difficult to find someone who possesses those same qualities and who will utilize them when it comes to his relationship with me?
I'm about halfway through the Bitch book. I still feel that it is more about self-esteem and being able to stand up for yourself than about anything else. Yesterday MW was asking me what happened with K, so I gave him the Reader's Digest version. He said, "You never know, he may come back." He's right, K might come back. In all actuality, it wouldn't surprise me if he did come back in 6 months saying that he's finally ready, has worked through all the drama, etc. But I don't know if I want to be with a man who wouldn't fight for me the first time around...
A girlfriend of mine recently described me as "steadfast and true" in my relationships, with both men and women. I think she's right, so why is it so difficult to find someone who possesses those same qualities and who will utilize them when it comes to his relationship with me?
I'm about halfway through the Bitch book. I still feel that it is more about self-esteem and being able to stand up for yourself than about anything else. Yesterday MW was asking me what happened with K, so I gave him the Reader's Digest version. He said, "You never know, he may come back." He's right, K might come back. In all actuality, it wouldn't surprise me if he did come back in 6 months saying that he's finally ready, has worked through all the drama, etc. But I don't know if I want to be with a man who wouldn't fight for me the first time around...
Sunday, June 8, 2008
I guess I'm not as big of a bitch as I thought!
I'm not the kind of girl who buys self-help books. I've tried to read them before, but I think they're bullshit (sorry, Carrie!) and make women feel bad about themselves, like they need to change in order to fit into a man's life. Ever noticed that they don't make books for men about how to fit into a woman's life? Because a man would never read a book like that, and if he did, he would never make those type of changes. However, a couple of years ago I ran across a book called Why Men Love Bitches. I thought, "That's funny, I'm a huge bitch and men don't love me!" I flipped through the book and it looked kind of funny, but I didn't buy it. However, I was at the bookstore today and ran across it again, so I decided to take the plunge. I have still only flipped through it, so I can't give a full review, but so far I like it. Some of it is obviously not applicable to most people, like when it suggests that women who are "dreamgirls," as opposed to "doormats," can't remember their boyfriend's last name. Umm... if you don't know his last name, he's not your bf. But I do feel like this book is empowering as much of it is telling women to focus on themselves and their own lifestyle; to be certain about what they want and not be afraid to refuse to settle for anything less. In some ways I think this is more a book about assertiveness than about men. I'll let you know if I still feel this way after I've read more of it.
In other news, I have successfully avoided doing any type of school related work for yet another day. But I do have plans to spend the whole day at the library tomorrow, so I guess I'll start being a productive human again.
I got a myspace message from K yesterday, which I didn't read until this afternoon. Then he promptly responded, but I have not reciprocated yet. I feel like this is a "game," which is something that I have no idea how to play. Normally I would just respond like I would to anyone, but I'm trying to learn how to be a "bitch," so I guess I'll try to play for awhile and see what happens...
In other news, I have successfully avoided doing any type of school related work for yet another day. But I do have plans to spend the whole day at the library tomorrow, so I guess I'll start being a productive human again.
I got a myspace message from K yesterday, which I didn't read until this afternoon. Then he promptly responded, but I have not reciprocated yet. I feel like this is a "game," which is something that I have no idea how to play. Normally I would just respond like I would to anyone, but I'm trying to learn how to be a "bitch," so I guess I'll try to play for awhile and see what happens...
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Why I hate chick-flicks
I heard from K yesterday. Is it possible to feel better and to feel worse at the same time?? I feel better because he called, so at least he isn't dropping off the face of the earth like Matt did. But I feel worse because he didn't meet my idealized expectations of what he should say. I realize how that sounds, and I completely blame chick-flicks for these unrealistic expectations!! Which is why I tend to avoid those movies like the plague!
However, I have seen enough of them to somehow have allowed a few of those expectations to have buried themselves in my subconscious. I want the grand gesture. I want someone, in this case, K, to make a grand gesture of his love for me. I want the romance and the fairytale. (Although I would never publicly admit this!) I have these stupid fantasies that he will randomly show up at my door or that I will pull into the parking lot one day and see his car. But, alas, that has not happened. Quite the opposite, in fact.
On the phone yesterday he was cordial, but distant. I tell myself that he is being distant because it is too painful for him to remain close; that helps me get through the day. It's breaking my heart that every day for the past 10 weeks he has been telling me how he never stopped thinking about me over the past 14 years, how he always held out hope that we would end up together, how he felt so lucky to have the opportunity to start a life with the person who he considered to be his best friend... And now it seems so easy for him to just cut me out of his life.
However, I have seen enough of them to somehow have allowed a few of those expectations to have buried themselves in my subconscious. I want the grand gesture. I want someone, in this case, K, to make a grand gesture of his love for me. I want the romance and the fairytale. (Although I would never publicly admit this!) I have these stupid fantasies that he will randomly show up at my door or that I will pull into the parking lot one day and see his car. But, alas, that has not happened. Quite the opposite, in fact.
On the phone yesterday he was cordial, but distant. I tell myself that he is being distant because it is too painful for him to remain close; that helps me get through the day. It's breaking my heart that every day for the past 10 weeks he has been telling me how he never stopped thinking about me over the past 14 years, how he always held out hope that we would end up together, how he felt so lucky to have the opportunity to start a life with the person who he considered to be his best friend... And now it seems so easy for him to just cut me out of his life.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Quick Catch-up
The last time I left you, I had just lost my license, was getting ready for the last half of the semester, and had reconnected with an old boyfriend, via myspace.
I should get my license back on Wednesday. If all goes as planned, I will walk into the DMV with no license, and walk out with my FREEDOM in tact!!! I'll keep you posted...
I managed to finish the semester doing relatively well. I got all my coursework done, got an internship at the school I wanted, and was finally feeling like my advisor didn't hate me. Oh wait... that last one only lasted for about 5 min. I'm still pretty sure he hates me.
Then we get to the old boyfriend... we'll call him K. So, he finds me, after 14 years, via myspace. We start by messaging, then by emailing, then by talking on the phone. We spent, I kid you not, like 20 hours on the phone the first weekend we talked. Things progressed pretty quickly from there. In all of my life, I never expected to talk to this man again, much less to fall for him. But I did. I feel like he brought back a part of me that I had lost all those years ago. Ultimately, this resulted in my going to visit him. I stayed for a week and had a fantastic time. I had been feeling this overwhelming emotional connection with him over the phone, but in person, that connection was even stronger, and there was an added physical connection that I didn't expect. To be honest, I didn't expect any of it to be this good, but it was. I was starting to really believe the same things that he did, that we were meant to be together.
Then I got home and the myspace drama started with the soon-to-be ex-wife... who is 32 years-old chronologically, but apparently only 13 year-old emotionally. I will spare you all of the details, but the ex-wife (we'll call her CW) appears to be totally crazy. She started making threats to him, threats to me, and using his children in order to get him to leave me. He felt like he was being forced to make a choice between being with me and being with his children. Of course, he chose to be with his kids. I wouldn't expect him to do anything different, and don't really think I would want to be with him if he chose me over his children anyway. Not in this situation.
I am very hurt and very sad. I let myself believe that there was a possibility of a future with this man. The romanticized idea that after 14 years two people could reconnect and find themselves falling back in love with each other, that fate really would lead us back together, that I could feel a connection with someone who shared so much of my life with me... all these thoughts were filling my head and I was so hurt that now all those possibilities were being taken away so quickly after I thought they had been given to me. The thing that bothers me the most though, is that CW doesn't care about him. She is trying to control him because she is upset that he has moved on so quickly and is happy, while she is still miserable. But she doesn't care about him. She doesn't care about his happiness. She is proving to be terribly manipulative and immature and I am so afraid that he will waste the next 20 years of his life in a town that he hates with a woman who treats him like he is inferior and constantly emasculates him. Just like with MW, I just want K to be happy. He has been through a lot in his life and has come out of it amazingly changed. He has grown up from a 15-year-old punk kid, to a 30-year-old man who is responsible, intelligent, and caring. He deserves better than to be treated like she is treating him and I hate her for hurting him like this. I hope that someday he can see that before it is too late. I hope that he is happy, whether that includes me or not.
The last time I heard from him he said that he wanted to still be friends because I was the best friend he ever had, which he has told me a hundred times over the past 2 months. I said of course I would still be there for him. (I have this weird ability to remain friends with my exes, so, while this may seem weird to some of you, it's pretty normal for me.) We'll see what happens...
I know that you guys don't know him, and I'm not an extremely religious person, but pray to whomever you believe in that K can see past the manipulations and make a choice that will result in his happiness. Pray that he will have the strength to get through the next few months and come out of it relatively unscathed...
xoxo
g.
I should get my license back on Wednesday. If all goes as planned, I will walk into the DMV with no license, and walk out with my FREEDOM in tact!!! I'll keep you posted...
I managed to finish the semester doing relatively well. I got all my coursework done, got an internship at the school I wanted, and was finally feeling like my advisor didn't hate me. Oh wait... that last one only lasted for about 5 min. I'm still pretty sure he hates me.
Then we get to the old boyfriend... we'll call him K. So, he finds me, after 14 years, via myspace. We start by messaging, then by emailing, then by talking on the phone. We spent, I kid you not, like 20 hours on the phone the first weekend we talked. Things progressed pretty quickly from there. In all of my life, I never expected to talk to this man again, much less to fall for him. But I did. I feel like he brought back a part of me that I had lost all those years ago. Ultimately, this resulted in my going to visit him. I stayed for a week and had a fantastic time. I had been feeling this overwhelming emotional connection with him over the phone, but in person, that connection was even stronger, and there was an added physical connection that I didn't expect. To be honest, I didn't expect any of it to be this good, but it was. I was starting to really believe the same things that he did, that we were meant to be together.
Then I got home and the myspace drama started with the soon-to-be ex-wife... who is 32 years-old chronologically, but apparently only 13 year-old emotionally. I will spare you all of the details, but the ex-wife (we'll call her CW) appears to be totally crazy. She started making threats to him, threats to me, and using his children in order to get him to leave me. He felt like he was being forced to make a choice between being with me and being with his children. Of course, he chose to be with his kids. I wouldn't expect him to do anything different, and don't really think I would want to be with him if he chose me over his children anyway. Not in this situation.
I am very hurt and very sad. I let myself believe that there was a possibility of a future with this man. The romanticized idea that after 14 years two people could reconnect and find themselves falling back in love with each other, that fate really would lead us back together, that I could feel a connection with someone who shared so much of my life with me... all these thoughts were filling my head and I was so hurt that now all those possibilities were being taken away so quickly after I thought they had been given to me. The thing that bothers me the most though, is that CW doesn't care about him. She is trying to control him because she is upset that he has moved on so quickly and is happy, while she is still miserable. But she doesn't care about him. She doesn't care about his happiness. She is proving to be terribly manipulative and immature and I am so afraid that he will waste the next 20 years of his life in a town that he hates with a woman who treats him like he is inferior and constantly emasculates him. Just like with MW, I just want K to be happy. He has been through a lot in his life and has come out of it amazingly changed. He has grown up from a 15-year-old punk kid, to a 30-year-old man who is responsible, intelligent, and caring. He deserves better than to be treated like she is treating him and I hate her for hurting him like this. I hope that someday he can see that before it is too late. I hope that he is happy, whether that includes me or not.
The last time I heard from him he said that he wanted to still be friends because I was the best friend he ever had, which he has told me a hundred times over the past 2 months. I said of course I would still be there for him. (I have this weird ability to remain friends with my exes, so, while this may seem weird to some of you, it's pretty normal for me.) We'll see what happens...
I know that you guys don't know him, and I'm not an extremely religious person, but pray to whomever you believe in that K can see past the manipulations and make a choice that will result in his happiness. Pray that he will have the strength to get through the next few months and come out of it relatively unscathed...
xoxo
g.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Stop worrying, I'm fine. Really.
When I was growing up, I had to deal with a lot of hardships in my family. But through it all, no one worried about me. Or, at least, no one expressed that they were worried about me. And I did fine. I was a good student and an overall good kid. Not that I was perfect, not by any means! But overall, pretty good. I think at some point people just expected that of me. And they quit paying attention.
I got mixed up in some craziness. I was acting out, doing a ton of drugs, lost a bunch of weight, and had mysterious scars all over my arms. Still, no one seemed to notice. I moved out of the house and cleaned up my act a little. But I had quit college and was still partying a lot. Not so much with the drugs anymore, but I was going out drinking more nights than I wasn't. And still, no one seemed to notice.
Then I really did clean up my act and went back to college. I threw myself in full force; full-time classes, extracurriculars, research, the whole none, still while I was working a full-time day job. And suddenly everyone was concerned! "Is Gina ok?" "How will she manage?" "Can she maintain a C average?" What the fuck?!?!? Hey people, I think you're all a little delayed on the appropriate time to be concerned about me!! Not only was I "ok," but I graduated near the top of my class with honors.
I took some time off to gain some experience in my field of choice, planning to go back to school after about a year. Everyone got worried again. "Will she really go back?" But I did. And not only did I go back, but again, I am excelling. During this time I did have an emotional setback (hence the first 5 posts on this blog). And although some people in my life were concerned about me, and rightly so, these were not the people who had previously failed to notice me or had worried at the wrong times. These were people relatively new to my life. So, the people that had failed to notice my struggles previously in my life had once again failed to notice.
Now I finally feel like I am starting to feel like me again. So, of course, there are people who are just now expressing concern. "I'm worried about you." "You're drinking too much." "You're not connecting with your emotions." "You're not letting yourself grieve."
Grieve?!?! You don't think I know how to grieve?!?!? I feel like I have practiced grieving for my entire life! I spent three of the past 6 months crying and you people never noticed! So if I want to go out and drink and disconnect from my emotions a little, I think that's perfectly fine! Yes, I have made some errors in judgement recently, but I am not 16 anymore. And furthermore, you people didn't notice what was going on in my life at 16 anyway, so why bother now that I'm an adult?
And, yes, I know that I don't have the greatest track record with guys. So when you find out that I have recently spoken to a person whom you all consider to be the biggest mistake I ever made, please restrain yourselves from commenting. Try and trust that I am a grown up. Try and trust that I have learned from the events of my past. Try and trust that if I managed to get through the past (almost) 30 years relatively unscathed, that I can make it through the next 30 just as successfully. And for once, could you please just try to be open minded and accepting of who I am and who I choose to be.
I got mixed up in some craziness. I was acting out, doing a ton of drugs, lost a bunch of weight, and had mysterious scars all over my arms. Still, no one seemed to notice. I moved out of the house and cleaned up my act a little. But I had quit college and was still partying a lot. Not so much with the drugs anymore, but I was going out drinking more nights than I wasn't. And still, no one seemed to notice.
Then I really did clean up my act and went back to college. I threw myself in full force; full-time classes, extracurriculars, research, the whole none, still while I was working a full-time day job. And suddenly everyone was concerned! "Is Gina ok?" "How will she manage?" "Can she maintain a C average?" What the fuck?!?!? Hey people, I think you're all a little delayed on the appropriate time to be concerned about me!! Not only was I "ok," but I graduated near the top of my class with honors.
I took some time off to gain some experience in my field of choice, planning to go back to school after about a year. Everyone got worried again. "Will she really go back?" But I did. And not only did I go back, but again, I am excelling. During this time I did have an emotional setback (hence the first 5 posts on this blog). And although some people in my life were concerned about me, and rightly so, these were not the people who had previously failed to notice me or had worried at the wrong times. These were people relatively new to my life. So, the people that had failed to notice my struggles previously in my life had once again failed to notice.
Now I finally feel like I am starting to feel like me again. So, of course, there are people who are just now expressing concern. "I'm worried about you." "You're drinking too much." "You're not connecting with your emotions." "You're not letting yourself grieve."
Grieve?!?! You don't think I know how to grieve?!?!? I feel like I have practiced grieving for my entire life! I spent three of the past 6 months crying and you people never noticed! So if I want to go out and drink and disconnect from my emotions a little, I think that's perfectly fine! Yes, I have made some errors in judgement recently, but I am not 16 anymore. And furthermore, you people didn't notice what was going on in my life at 16 anyway, so why bother now that I'm an adult?
And, yes, I know that I don't have the greatest track record with guys. So when you find out that I have recently spoken to a person whom you all consider to be the biggest mistake I ever made, please restrain yourselves from commenting. Try and trust that I am a grown up. Try and trust that I have learned from the events of my past. Try and trust that if I managed to get through the past (almost) 30 years relatively unscathed, that I can make it through the next 30 just as successfully. And for once, could you please just try to be open minded and accepting of who I am and who I choose to be.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Poor Cinderella...
So, today was the day. I'm sort of surprised that both of those fine police officers showed up at my DMV hearing today, but they did! No driving for me for 90 days. My coach has officially turned into a pumpkin. :(
In other news, I hear that DB and his new girlfriend are still together and disgustingly happy. (Blegh!!!) Then the other day I had a flashback of how whiny he always was, how lazy and unmotivated, and I felt so grateful that I got away before I was tied down forever!!
I haven't heard from TDH, so maybe he and his girlfriend worked things out. I kind of hope they did... if that's what he wanted. I just want him to be happy. Last time I saw him he didn't seem that way.
As for the rest of the boy situation, I seem to be doing a pretty good job of juggling them... There are just enough of them to keep me from getting attached to any one boy. Dating in order to avoid getting hurt? I think I may have turned into a man!
Fear not, Cinderella, I am still waiting for my Prince Charming! But until he shows up, a girl has to have some fun, right???
Hugs and kisses to all!!
xoxo
In other news, I hear that DB and his new girlfriend are still together and disgustingly happy. (Blegh!!!) Then the other day I had a flashback of how whiny he always was, how lazy and unmotivated, and I felt so grateful that I got away before I was tied down forever!!
I haven't heard from TDH, so maybe he and his girlfriend worked things out. I kind of hope they did... if that's what he wanted. I just want him to be happy. Last time I saw him he didn't seem that way.
As for the rest of the boy situation, I seem to be doing a pretty good job of juggling them... There are just enough of them to keep me from getting attached to any one boy. Dating in order to avoid getting hurt? I think I may have turned into a man!
Fear not, Cinderella, I am still waiting for my Prince Charming! But until he shows up, a girl has to have some fun, right???
Hugs and kisses to all!!
xoxo
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Back in the Game
Things have been slow on the blog front... I guess that means nothing too exciting has happened, but that's not quite true either...
I spent the month of February trying to deal with some of the ramifications of my recent poor judgement. I think things are under control for now; check back with me after March 12th.
I also spent the month trying to throw myself into school. Not to avoid anything, but to try and get my shit together after such a poor showing last semester. I have done well so far! I have been working really hard and feel like I have found my groove. (However, I am supposed to be writing my thesis right now...)
I recently spent an amazing, fun-filled, rock star weekend in Denver with one of my dear friends a few weeks ago in a last ditch effort to have some fun before my legal consequences come into effect. It was awesome! And I finally got that whole dancing on a bar thing out of my system for awhile :) And I met a boy, so I guess I'm back in the game.
And speaking of boys, let me just say that I am not impressed with the online dating thing. It sucks. Either that, or I'm completely undesirable, and I'm not ready to admit to that possibility yet.
Another interesting development has happened on the boy situation... An old boyfriend of mine, let's call him MW, has recently contacted me. I hadn't heard from him since August (when Matt and I were still happy). Well, MW called me a few weeks ago to say hello. Upon finding out that I was single again, it sparked a whole conversation about why things didn't work out between us and if the timing would ever be right again. I would LOVE to give this guy another shot. I have thought about him often, even while Matt and I were still together. However, as much as he says that he would also like to give things another go, he is currently living with his girlfriend. So... as not to be the other woman, I am trying to keep my distance...
I'll keep you posted.
xoxo
I spent the month of February trying to deal with some of the ramifications of my recent poor judgement. I think things are under control for now; check back with me after March 12th.
I also spent the month trying to throw myself into school. Not to avoid anything, but to try and get my shit together after such a poor showing last semester. I have done well so far! I have been working really hard and feel like I have found my groove. (However, I am supposed to be writing my thesis right now...)
I recently spent an amazing, fun-filled, rock star weekend in Denver with one of my dear friends a few weeks ago in a last ditch effort to have some fun before my legal consequences come into effect. It was awesome! And I finally got that whole dancing on a bar thing out of my system for awhile :) And I met a boy, so I guess I'm back in the game.
And speaking of boys, let me just say that I am not impressed with the online dating thing. It sucks. Either that, or I'm completely undesirable, and I'm not ready to admit to that possibility yet.
Another interesting development has happened on the boy situation... An old boyfriend of mine, let's call him MW, has recently contacted me. I hadn't heard from him since August (when Matt and I were still happy). Well, MW called me a few weeks ago to say hello. Upon finding out that I was single again, it sparked a whole conversation about why things didn't work out between us and if the timing would ever be right again. I would LOVE to give this guy another shot. I have thought about him often, even while Matt and I were still together. However, as much as he says that he would also like to give things another go, he is currently living with his girlfriend. So... as not to be the other woman, I am trying to keep my distance...
I'll keep you posted.
xoxo
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Beginning of the Downward Spiral??
My hope has finally been realized! I got a comment from someone who randomly found my blog and found a little piece of herself in it. That was sort of the whole reason I started this thing in the first place, so I am very happy to be sharing my misery with the rest of the world! :) Hang in there Jeanne! He wasn't good enough for you anyway!!
Unfortunately, as luck would have it, the misery, is to some extent, continuing. I have been feeling so good lately; finally like myself again. The new year started out well, I was just getting back on the right track for school, and life was looking up. Then my poor judgment crept back in and landed me in a bit of legal trouble. The possible ramifications of this event could be severe enough to hinder the very thing that I've been working so hard to accomplish. So now I wonder if all the sacrifice has been worth it. And, furthermore, will it be worth it to make continual sacrifices?? OK, cognitively, I know the right answer here, but I'm just not feeling hopeful or optimistic about my immediate future...
I have always thought that my life has played out exactly as it was supposed to... even with the Matt. In fact, I just had to write a self-reflection paper about that very thing, and it continued to affirm my beliefs that I was on the right path. Now, due to recent developments, I'm starting to question everything. I hate that. I hate the uncertainty. It makes me want to quit school, quit my job, put all my stuff in storage, and move to NY with the kitties.
And FYI, I can totally see now how previously successful, high functioning people become alcoholics and drug addicts... All I want to do is run away from my life, get wasted, and dance on a bar. Any takers??
Unfortunately, as luck would have it, the misery, is to some extent, continuing. I have been feeling so good lately; finally like myself again. The new year started out well, I was just getting back on the right track for school, and life was looking up. Then my poor judgment crept back in and landed me in a bit of legal trouble. The possible ramifications of this event could be severe enough to hinder the very thing that I've been working so hard to accomplish. So now I wonder if all the sacrifice has been worth it. And, furthermore, will it be worth it to make continual sacrifices?? OK, cognitively, I know the right answer here, but I'm just not feeling hopeful or optimistic about my immediate future...
I have always thought that my life has played out exactly as it was supposed to... even with the Matt. In fact, I just had to write a self-reflection paper about that very thing, and it continued to affirm my beliefs that I was on the right path. Now, due to recent developments, I'm starting to question everything. I hate that. I hate the uncertainty. It makes me want to quit school, quit my job, put all my stuff in storage, and move to NY with the kitties.
And FYI, I can totally see now how previously successful, high functioning people become alcoholics and drug addicts... All I want to do is run away from my life, get wasted, and dance on a bar. Any takers??
Thursday, January 3, 2008
On the other side
So, if you've gotten this far, then you're all up to date! That's my story so far. Thanks for putting up with all of the anger and screaming and cussing, I'll try to keep it to a minimum in the future. :)
After I finally found out the whole story, I screamed for a day, then I cried for a day, then I was done. I'm finally feeling like my old self again! I'm getting back into the swing of grad school. (I was a big slacker while going through all of the break-up bullshit.) I'm feeling like I want to go and hang out with my friends, meet new people, etc. And I'm finally ready to date again! This might be partially accredited to a friend of mine who was there to console me on a lonely evening and a boy that I met on New Year's. By the way, I might have to re-think Rule number 3...
So, I joined eharmony in an effort to expand my horizons. If nothing else, I'm sure I'll have some great stories to tell you all!
After I finally found out the whole story, I screamed for a day, then I cried for a day, then I was done. I'm finally feeling like my old self again! I'm getting back into the swing of grad school. (I was a big slacker while going through all of the break-up bullshit.) I'm feeling like I want to go and hang out with my friends, meet new people, etc. And I'm finally ready to date again! This might be partially accredited to a friend of mine who was there to console me on a lonely evening and a boy that I met on New Year's. By the way, I might have to re-think Rule number 3...
So, I joined eharmony in an effort to expand my horizons. If nothing else, I'm sure I'll have some great stories to tell you all!
Dear Matt...
And finally, post number 5...
Dear Matt,
How sad for you that you don't even have the courage to come to my front door and leave my belongings for me.
How sad for you that you have so little self-respect that you don't believe that you deserve the best. You choose instead to settle for mediocrity.
How sad for you that you are so scared and uncertain of your future that you can't even face it. You choose instead to submerge yourself in the past and cling to your youth by dating people who are closer to your teenage son's age than to your own.
How sad for you that you are 35 years old and have no idea who you are or what your dreams and goals might be.
How sad for you that you are so weak that you can't even stand up for what you want. You choose instead to lie to people and tell them only what you think they want to hear.
How sad for your two young boys that they will base their future relationships on the examples set for them by you and Josh, thus perpetuating the cycle of mistreatment toward women. How sad that they don't have an example of the way a real man should behave.
For so long I felt like you stole everything from me. You took from me: my best friend, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the family that I thought I was going to be a part of, my favorite place to hang out with my friends, and the last 2 and a half months of my life. But no more. I'm done letting you take from me. And I'm done wasting my energy on you. There is no need for me to wish unhappiness for you. Clearly, you are already unhappy, and that's why you made the decisions that you did. I feel nothing for you anymore; not sadness, not anger, not even respect. I have found my peace, but I suspect that you have not.
Dear Matt,
How sad for you that you don't even have the courage to come to my front door and leave my belongings for me.
How sad for you that you have so little self-respect that you don't believe that you deserve the best. You choose instead to settle for mediocrity.
How sad for you that you are so scared and uncertain of your future that you can't even face it. You choose instead to submerge yourself in the past and cling to your youth by dating people who are closer to your teenage son's age than to your own.
How sad for you that you are 35 years old and have no idea who you are or what your dreams and goals might be.
How sad for you that you are so weak that you can't even stand up for what you want. You choose instead to lie to people and tell them only what you think they want to hear.
How sad for your two young boys that they will base their future relationships on the examples set for them by you and Josh, thus perpetuating the cycle of mistreatment toward women. How sad that they don't have an example of the way a real man should behave.
For so long I felt like you stole everything from me. You took from me: my best friend, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the family that I thought I was going to be a part of, my favorite place to hang out with my friends, and the last 2 and a half months of my life. But no more. I'm done letting you take from me. And I'm done wasting my energy on you. There is no need for me to wish unhappiness for you. Clearly, you are already unhappy, and that's why you made the decisions that you did. I feel nothing for you anymore; not sadness, not anger, not even respect. I have found my peace, but I suspect that you have not.
Lying, Cheating, Piece of Shit!
Post number 4...
Lying motherfucking sack of shit!!!! Myspace is the devil...
I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, but today I looked up the ex's myspace page. I had looked at it before, but it was a page that wasn't really used, he hadn't logged on since like 2006, or something like that. Well, of course, now the page is active. His status? "In a relationship" With who? His ex-girlfriend. Get this... This bitch used to come by Matt's bar all the time, and I always got a weird feeling about her. But he assured me, over and over again, that nothing was going on. He said that they dated for awhile a long time ago, but she dumped him and went back to her ex. But still, Matt acted different every time she was around. And she was around a lot. But every time I confronted him, he would feed me what was apparently a huge line of bullshit.
"No, baby, I love you. You're the one I want to spend my life with. We're partners."
Even when we were breaking up... "When I see my future, you're still in it. We live in a big house together by a lake. You changed my life. I can't picture it without you."
Mother fucker!!!! You lying piece of shit!!! I bet he was fucking that bitch for months before he broke up with me.
Guys, here's a tip for you. No matter what, it's always better to just tell the truth. If Matt had just told me that he wanted to date someone else, it would have devastated me, but it also would have saved me weeks of thinking that maybe there was something there for me to hold onto. He and I even talked about this and he assured me that if it ever got to that point, he would have enough respect for me to simply tell me the truth. But, since Matt is "non-confrontational," he didn't have the balls to tell me the truth. Instead, he strung me along for weeks, letting me think that there was a future there for us.
I don't know if I'm more mad that he's such a big fucking liar, or more mad that I suspected what was going on all along and didn't trust my instincts enough. Regardless, I should have known better than to go searching for him. I repeat, myspace is the devil...
Lying motherfucking sack of shit!!!! Myspace is the devil...
I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, but today I looked up the ex's myspace page. I had looked at it before, but it was a page that wasn't really used, he hadn't logged on since like 2006, or something like that. Well, of course, now the page is active. His status? "In a relationship" With who? His ex-girlfriend. Get this... This bitch used to come by Matt's bar all the time, and I always got a weird feeling about her. But he assured me, over and over again, that nothing was going on. He said that they dated for awhile a long time ago, but she dumped him and went back to her ex. But still, Matt acted different every time she was around. And she was around a lot. But every time I confronted him, he would feed me what was apparently a huge line of bullshit.
"No, baby, I love you. You're the one I want to spend my life with. We're partners."
Even when we were breaking up... "When I see my future, you're still in it. We live in a big house together by a lake. You changed my life. I can't picture it without you."
Mother fucker!!!! You lying piece of shit!!! I bet he was fucking that bitch for months before he broke up with me.
Guys, here's a tip for you. No matter what, it's always better to just tell the truth. If Matt had just told me that he wanted to date someone else, it would have devastated me, but it also would have saved me weeks of thinking that maybe there was something there for me to hold onto. He and I even talked about this and he assured me that if it ever got to that point, he would have enough respect for me to simply tell me the truth. But, since Matt is "non-confrontational," he didn't have the balls to tell me the truth. Instead, he strung me along for weeks, letting me think that there was a future there for us.
I don't know if I'm more mad that he's such a big fucking liar, or more mad that I suspected what was going on all along and didn't trust my instincts enough. Regardless, I should have known better than to go searching for him. I repeat, myspace is the devil...
The Rules According to Gina
1. CHICK FLICKS
No matter how good of a friend she is and no matter how much you think it won't bother you, it's not a good idea to take your girlfriend to see a chick flick for her birthday right after you and your would-be fiance break-up. If you're looking for 2 hours of torture, just stay at home and poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick.
2. BARTENDERS
Don't date them! I know this seems like a no-brainer, but sometimes they sneak past you. I figured that if a guy is going to lie and pretend to be decent, that he could only keep it up for a few weeks, two months tops. But, ladies, apparently bartenders are better actors than most men, and they can keep up with the good-guy act for well over a year. It's better just to avoid these guys all together.
3. YOUNGER GUYS
It's hard enough to find a man that's our own age who matches our emotional maturity level, so how can we expect a younger guy to match us? Move on...
4. BLOND GUYS
This is mostly a personal preference. I've only dated 2 blond guys, but hey both turned out to be douchebags. Also, this rule does not apply to Matthew McConaughey.
5. "NON-CONFRONTATIONAL"
If a guy tells you he is "non-confrontational," this is code for "weak." It means that he will not have the balls to stand up for you or to fight for your relationship when times get tough. It means that he will avoid all conflict at any cost. This is not what we're looking for in a man.
No matter how good of a friend she is and no matter how much you think it won't bother you, it's not a good idea to take your girlfriend to see a chick flick for her birthday right after you and your would-be fiance break-up. If you're looking for 2 hours of torture, just stay at home and poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick.
2. BARTENDERS
Don't date them! I know this seems like a no-brainer, but sometimes they sneak past you. I figured that if a guy is going to lie and pretend to be decent, that he could only keep it up for a few weeks, two months tops. But, ladies, apparently bartenders are better actors than most men, and they can keep up with the good-guy act for well over a year. It's better just to avoid these guys all together.
3. YOUNGER GUYS
It's hard enough to find a man that's our own age who matches our emotional maturity level, so how can we expect a younger guy to match us? Move on...
4. BLOND GUYS
This is mostly a personal preference. I've only dated 2 blond guys, but hey both turned out to be douchebags. Also, this rule does not apply to Matthew McConaughey.
5. "NON-CONFRONTATIONAL"
If a guy tells you he is "non-confrontational," this is code for "weak." It means that he will not have the balls to stand up for you or to fight for your relationship when times get tough. It means that he will avoid all conflict at any cost. This is not what we're looking for in a man.
F%*#ing Douchebag
Post number 3...
Yeah! I was finally productive today!! Still haven't worked on any school stuff, but it's a start!!
Maybe I was finally productive today because I was having an angry day. I keep having these dreams about Matt where he is really mean to me, won't make eye contact, and tells me how he is in love with someone else now, that he never felt about me the way he feels about her, and that he never really cared about me. Shitty, right? It makes me so mad because sleep is the one time when I should be able to NOT think about him, and he keeps creeping into my subconscious. On top of all that, then I wake up and I'm already in a terrible mood! And I know that he is certainly not thinking about me and letting it ruin his day.
The reason this has been such a hard breakup for me is because I thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Not because I had some deluded ideals about our relationship, but because that's what the motherfucker told me!! "You're so amazing." "I didn't know women could be like you." "You're the woman I want to spend my life with." "We're partners. I'll always be there for you. We'll find a way to work things out." I didn't imagine all that shit, but maybe he's suffering from some amnesia and doesn't remember saying it.
I know he's out there dating and fucking everything that walks through his bar, and I feel like I'm stuck. It's bullshit that as a result of his cowardice (that's for you, Carrie ) he's the one who is running around all happy and I'm the one who suffers.
Part of me wishes that I could be one of those people that thinks we weren't right together, so I hope that he finds someone to make him happy, but I'm not, at least not in this case. There are people who I feel that way about (you guys know who you are!) but in this case, I hope that lying piece of shit is miserable and unhappy for a long time.
I realize that this sounds bitter, hateful, and a bit psycho, and it is. But I can't help feeling this way right now. I know it will eventually subside, I'm just not there yet...
Yeah! I was finally productive today!! Still haven't worked on any school stuff, but it's a start!!
Maybe I was finally productive today because I was having an angry day. I keep having these dreams about Matt where he is really mean to me, won't make eye contact, and tells me how he is in love with someone else now, that he never felt about me the way he feels about her, and that he never really cared about me. Shitty, right? It makes me so mad because sleep is the one time when I should be able to NOT think about him, and he keeps creeping into my subconscious. On top of all that, then I wake up and I'm already in a terrible mood! And I know that he is certainly not thinking about me and letting it ruin his day.
The reason this has been such a hard breakup for me is because I thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Not because I had some deluded ideals about our relationship, but because that's what the motherfucker told me!! "You're so amazing." "I didn't know women could be like you." "You're the woman I want to spend my life with." "We're partners. I'll always be there for you. We'll find a way to work things out." I didn't imagine all that shit, but maybe he's suffering from some amnesia and doesn't remember saying it.
I know he's out there dating and fucking everything that walks through his bar, and I feel like I'm stuck. It's bullshit that as a result of his cowardice (that's for you, Carrie ) he's the one who is running around all happy and I'm the one who suffers.
Part of me wishes that I could be one of those people that thinks we weren't right together, so I hope that he finds someone to make him happy, but I'm not, at least not in this case. There are people who I feel that way about (you guys know who you are!) but in this case, I hope that lying piece of shit is miserable and unhappy for a long time.
I realize that this sounds bitter, hateful, and a bit psycho, and it is. But I can't help feeling this way right now. I know it will eventually subside, I'm just not there yet...
Bittersweet Endings
Post number 2...
Lately I feel like I'm stuck in that phase where, as soon as you break up with someone, you can only remember all of the good things about them, so I've been trying to remember all of the things about Matt that drove me crazy. I think I was doing a pretty good job, but then… I've been having dreams about him and I wake up and feel like shit all over again.
I hate that 2 months later I'm still crying over that bastard when I'm sure that he never gives me a second thought. I don't understand how guys can just turn their emotions off like a light switch. Sometimes I wish I could be emotionally impotent like that, too. It sure would have made the last few months easier.
Yesterday I finished the first step in a huge undertaking; I finished my first semester of graduate school!! I should be running around and jumping up and down, but all I can think is that I wish I could share it with Matt. He was there through my studying for and taking the GREs, he was there when I got accepted, and he was there for the start of it. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he won't be there for the end of it.
I'm afraid that he will have learned a lot from our relationship and now he will go and be the prefect boyfriend to some other girl who didn't put in all the work. I'm afraid that I will graduate from school and become successful, but be all alone with no one to share it with (except the kitties!). I'm afraid hat I'll never be able to really trust anyone again, because I trusted Matt, and look how that turned out…
Thank God for girlfriends and liquor!
Lately I feel like I'm stuck in that phase where, as soon as you break up with someone, you can only remember all of the good things about them, so I've been trying to remember all of the things about Matt that drove me crazy. I think I was doing a pretty good job, but then… I've been having dreams about him and I wake up and feel like shit all over again.
I hate that 2 months later I'm still crying over that bastard when I'm sure that he never gives me a second thought. I don't understand how guys can just turn their emotions off like a light switch. Sometimes I wish I could be emotionally impotent like that, too. It sure would have made the last few months easier.
Yesterday I finished the first step in a huge undertaking; I finished my first semester of graduate school!! I should be running around and jumping up and down, but all I can think is that I wish I could share it with Matt. He was there through my studying for and taking the GREs, he was there when I got accepted, and he was there for the start of it. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he won't be there for the end of it.
I'm afraid that he will have learned a lot from our relationship and now he will go and be the prefect boyfriend to some other girl who didn't put in all the work. I'm afraid that I will graduate from school and become successful, but be all alone with no one to share it with (except the kitties!). I'm afraid hat I'll never be able to really trust anyone again, because I trusted Matt, and look how that turned out…
Thank God for girlfriends and liquor!
Disappearing Boyfriend
Since I already started my story on another site, I feel like I need to update the rest of you. Here's the first in a series of posts...
I'm not sure exactly where to start...
Last August I met someone. And things happened so fast! He was so many things I always wanted in a man and so many things that I didn't know existed. We spent 14 months together. Were they perfect? Of course not. But they were good. I thought this was it for me. We talked about getting married 3 months into our relationship, and I never wondered if that would really happen, because I felt it in my heart that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought he felt the same way, mostly because he told me he did.
Then, the bottom of my stable world dropped out on me. I can't even tell you exactly what happened because I don't know. I just know that he isn't here anymore because he chose not to be. Some days I'm still in shock because I never in a million years would have predicted this behavior from this man. Other days I feel angry that he would do this. Other days I feel relieved that I got away before we were married and this happened 10 years from now. But most days I just feel sad.
The man that I met last August doesn't exist anymore. I wish you could've met him. He would've given you hope that all men aren't lying cheating bastards. He would've given you hope that true love really does exist. That's what he did for me. But he's gone now, has been replaced by someone I don't recognize.
I'm not sure exactly where to start...
Last August I met someone. And things happened so fast! He was so many things I always wanted in a man and so many things that I didn't know existed. We spent 14 months together. Were they perfect? Of course not. But they were good. I thought this was it for me. We talked about getting married 3 months into our relationship, and I never wondered if that would really happen, because I felt it in my heart that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought he felt the same way, mostly because he told me he did.
Then, the bottom of my stable world dropped out on me. I can't even tell you exactly what happened because I don't know. I just know that he isn't here anymore because he chose not to be. Some days I'm still in shock because I never in a million years would have predicted this behavior from this man. Other days I feel angry that he would do this. Other days I feel relieved that I got away before we were married and this happened 10 years from now. But most days I just feel sad.
The man that I met last August doesn't exist anymore. I wish you could've met him. He would've given you hope that all men aren't lying cheating bastards. He would've given you hope that true love really does exist. That's what he did for me. But he's gone now, has been replaced by someone I don't recognize.
Ways to avoid studying...
I recently gave in to the myspace obsession and started blogging there. I thought it would be cathartic since I had gone through a recent breakup and couldn't do anything but cry for two months. My hope was that some random person out there in cyberspace would read what I had to say and be able to relate to it. But then, my former would-be-future-husband, whom we will for all future purposes refer to as The Douchebag, opened a myspace account, so I decided to make all of my posts private. After all, just because they're about him, doesn't mean he gets to read them. So now, in an effort to maximize the amount of time that I can spend on the computer without actually studying, I think I'll give the whole blogspot thing a try...
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