My hope has finally been realized! I got a comment from someone who randomly found my blog and found a little piece of herself in it. That was sort of the whole reason I started this thing in the first place, so I am very happy to be sharing my misery with the rest of the world! :) Hang in there Jeanne! He wasn't good enough for you anyway!!
Unfortunately, as luck would have it, the misery, is to some extent, continuing. I have been feeling so good lately; finally like myself again. The new year started out well, I was just getting back on the right track for school, and life was looking up. Then my poor judgment crept back in and landed me in a bit of legal trouble. The possible ramifications of this event could be severe enough to hinder the very thing that I've been working so hard to accomplish. So now I wonder if all the sacrifice has been worth it. And, furthermore, will it be worth it to make continual sacrifices?? OK, cognitively, I know the right answer here, but I'm just not feeling hopeful or optimistic about my immediate future...
I have always thought that my life has played out exactly as it was supposed to... even with the Matt. In fact, I just had to write a self-reflection paper about that very thing, and it continued to affirm my beliefs that I was on the right path. Now, due to recent developments, I'm starting to question everything. I hate that. I hate the uncertainty. It makes me want to quit school, quit my job, put all my stuff in storage, and move to NY with the kitties.
And FYI, I can totally see now how previously successful, high functioning people become alcoholics and drug addicts... All I want to do is run away from my life, get wasted, and dance on a bar. Any takers??
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
On the other side
So, if you've gotten this far, then you're all up to date! That's my story so far. Thanks for putting up with all of the anger and screaming and cussing, I'll try to keep it to a minimum in the future. :)
After I finally found out the whole story, I screamed for a day, then I cried for a day, then I was done. I'm finally feeling like my old self again! I'm getting back into the swing of grad school. (I was a big slacker while going through all of the break-up bullshit.) I'm feeling like I want to go and hang out with my friends, meet new people, etc. And I'm finally ready to date again! This might be partially accredited to a friend of mine who was there to console me on a lonely evening and a boy that I met on New Year's. By the way, I might have to re-think Rule number 3...
So, I joined eharmony in an effort to expand my horizons. If nothing else, I'm sure I'll have some great stories to tell you all!
After I finally found out the whole story, I screamed for a day, then I cried for a day, then I was done. I'm finally feeling like my old self again! I'm getting back into the swing of grad school. (I was a big slacker while going through all of the break-up bullshit.) I'm feeling like I want to go and hang out with my friends, meet new people, etc. And I'm finally ready to date again! This might be partially accredited to a friend of mine who was there to console me on a lonely evening and a boy that I met on New Year's. By the way, I might have to re-think Rule number 3...
So, I joined eharmony in an effort to expand my horizons. If nothing else, I'm sure I'll have some great stories to tell you all!
Dear Matt...
And finally, post number 5...
Dear Matt,
How sad for you that you don't even have the courage to come to my front door and leave my belongings for me.
How sad for you that you have so little self-respect that you don't believe that you deserve the best. You choose instead to settle for mediocrity.
How sad for you that you are so scared and uncertain of your future that you can't even face it. You choose instead to submerge yourself in the past and cling to your youth by dating people who are closer to your teenage son's age than to your own.
How sad for you that you are 35 years old and have no idea who you are or what your dreams and goals might be.
How sad for you that you are so weak that you can't even stand up for what you want. You choose instead to lie to people and tell them only what you think they want to hear.
How sad for your two young boys that they will base their future relationships on the examples set for them by you and Josh, thus perpetuating the cycle of mistreatment toward women. How sad that they don't have an example of the way a real man should behave.
For so long I felt like you stole everything from me. You took from me: my best friend, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the family that I thought I was going to be a part of, my favorite place to hang out with my friends, and the last 2 and a half months of my life. But no more. I'm done letting you take from me. And I'm done wasting my energy on you. There is no need for me to wish unhappiness for you. Clearly, you are already unhappy, and that's why you made the decisions that you did. I feel nothing for you anymore; not sadness, not anger, not even respect. I have found my peace, but I suspect that you have not.
Dear Matt,
How sad for you that you don't even have the courage to come to my front door and leave my belongings for me.
How sad for you that you have so little self-respect that you don't believe that you deserve the best. You choose instead to settle for mediocrity.
How sad for you that you are so scared and uncertain of your future that you can't even face it. You choose instead to submerge yourself in the past and cling to your youth by dating people who are closer to your teenage son's age than to your own.
How sad for you that you are 35 years old and have no idea who you are or what your dreams and goals might be.
How sad for you that you are so weak that you can't even stand up for what you want. You choose instead to lie to people and tell them only what you think they want to hear.
How sad for your two young boys that they will base their future relationships on the examples set for them by you and Josh, thus perpetuating the cycle of mistreatment toward women. How sad that they don't have an example of the way a real man should behave.
For so long I felt like you stole everything from me. You took from me: my best friend, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the family that I thought I was going to be a part of, my favorite place to hang out with my friends, and the last 2 and a half months of my life. But no more. I'm done letting you take from me. And I'm done wasting my energy on you. There is no need for me to wish unhappiness for you. Clearly, you are already unhappy, and that's why you made the decisions that you did. I feel nothing for you anymore; not sadness, not anger, not even respect. I have found my peace, but I suspect that you have not.
Lying, Cheating, Piece of Shit!
Post number 4...
Lying motherfucking sack of shit!!!! Myspace is the devil...
I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, but today I looked up the ex's myspace page. I had looked at it before, but it was a page that wasn't really used, he hadn't logged on since like 2006, or something like that. Well, of course, now the page is active. His status? "In a relationship" With who? His ex-girlfriend. Get this... This bitch used to come by Matt's bar all the time, and I always got a weird feeling about her. But he assured me, over and over again, that nothing was going on. He said that they dated for awhile a long time ago, but she dumped him and went back to her ex. But still, Matt acted different every time she was around. And she was around a lot. But every time I confronted him, he would feed me what was apparently a huge line of bullshit.
"No, baby, I love you. You're the one I want to spend my life with. We're partners."
Even when we were breaking up... "When I see my future, you're still in it. We live in a big house together by a lake. You changed my life. I can't picture it without you."
Mother fucker!!!! You lying piece of shit!!! I bet he was fucking that bitch for months before he broke up with me.
Guys, here's a tip for you. No matter what, it's always better to just tell the truth. If Matt had just told me that he wanted to date someone else, it would have devastated me, but it also would have saved me weeks of thinking that maybe there was something there for me to hold onto. He and I even talked about this and he assured me that if it ever got to that point, he would have enough respect for me to simply tell me the truth. But, since Matt is "non-confrontational," he didn't have the balls to tell me the truth. Instead, he strung me along for weeks, letting me think that there was a future there for us.
I don't know if I'm more mad that he's such a big fucking liar, or more mad that I suspected what was going on all along and didn't trust my instincts enough. Regardless, I should have known better than to go searching for him. I repeat, myspace is the devil...
Lying motherfucking sack of shit!!!! Myspace is the devil...
I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, but today I looked up the ex's myspace page. I had looked at it before, but it was a page that wasn't really used, he hadn't logged on since like 2006, or something like that. Well, of course, now the page is active. His status? "In a relationship" With who? His ex-girlfriend. Get this... This bitch used to come by Matt's bar all the time, and I always got a weird feeling about her. But he assured me, over and over again, that nothing was going on. He said that they dated for awhile a long time ago, but she dumped him and went back to her ex. But still, Matt acted different every time she was around. And she was around a lot. But every time I confronted him, he would feed me what was apparently a huge line of bullshit.
"No, baby, I love you. You're the one I want to spend my life with. We're partners."
Even when we were breaking up... "When I see my future, you're still in it. We live in a big house together by a lake. You changed my life. I can't picture it without you."
Mother fucker!!!! You lying piece of shit!!! I bet he was fucking that bitch for months before he broke up with me.
Guys, here's a tip for you. No matter what, it's always better to just tell the truth. If Matt had just told me that he wanted to date someone else, it would have devastated me, but it also would have saved me weeks of thinking that maybe there was something there for me to hold onto. He and I even talked about this and he assured me that if it ever got to that point, he would have enough respect for me to simply tell me the truth. But, since Matt is "non-confrontational," he didn't have the balls to tell me the truth. Instead, he strung me along for weeks, letting me think that there was a future there for us.
I don't know if I'm more mad that he's such a big fucking liar, or more mad that I suspected what was going on all along and didn't trust my instincts enough. Regardless, I should have known better than to go searching for him. I repeat, myspace is the devil...
The Rules According to Gina
1. CHICK FLICKS
No matter how good of a friend she is and no matter how much you think it won't bother you, it's not a good idea to take your girlfriend to see a chick flick for her birthday right after you and your would-be fiance break-up. If you're looking for 2 hours of torture, just stay at home and poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick.
2. BARTENDERS
Don't date them! I know this seems like a no-brainer, but sometimes they sneak past you. I figured that if a guy is going to lie and pretend to be decent, that he could only keep it up for a few weeks, two months tops. But, ladies, apparently bartenders are better actors than most men, and they can keep up with the good-guy act for well over a year. It's better just to avoid these guys all together.
3. YOUNGER GUYS
It's hard enough to find a man that's our own age who matches our emotional maturity level, so how can we expect a younger guy to match us? Move on...
4. BLOND GUYS
This is mostly a personal preference. I've only dated 2 blond guys, but hey both turned out to be douchebags. Also, this rule does not apply to Matthew McConaughey.
5. "NON-CONFRONTATIONAL"
If a guy tells you he is "non-confrontational," this is code for "weak." It means that he will not have the balls to stand up for you or to fight for your relationship when times get tough. It means that he will avoid all conflict at any cost. This is not what we're looking for in a man.
No matter how good of a friend she is and no matter how much you think it won't bother you, it's not a good idea to take your girlfriend to see a chick flick for her birthday right after you and your would-be fiance break-up. If you're looking for 2 hours of torture, just stay at home and poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick.
2. BARTENDERS
Don't date them! I know this seems like a no-brainer, but sometimes they sneak past you. I figured that if a guy is going to lie and pretend to be decent, that he could only keep it up for a few weeks, two months tops. But, ladies, apparently bartenders are better actors than most men, and they can keep up with the good-guy act for well over a year. It's better just to avoid these guys all together.
3. YOUNGER GUYS
It's hard enough to find a man that's our own age who matches our emotional maturity level, so how can we expect a younger guy to match us? Move on...
4. BLOND GUYS
This is mostly a personal preference. I've only dated 2 blond guys, but hey both turned out to be douchebags. Also, this rule does not apply to Matthew McConaughey.
5. "NON-CONFRONTATIONAL"
If a guy tells you he is "non-confrontational," this is code for "weak." It means that he will not have the balls to stand up for you or to fight for your relationship when times get tough. It means that he will avoid all conflict at any cost. This is not what we're looking for in a man.
F%*#ing Douchebag
Post number 3...
Yeah! I was finally productive today!! Still haven't worked on any school stuff, but it's a start!!
Maybe I was finally productive today because I was having an angry day. I keep having these dreams about Matt where he is really mean to me, won't make eye contact, and tells me how he is in love with someone else now, that he never felt about me the way he feels about her, and that he never really cared about me. Shitty, right? It makes me so mad because sleep is the one time when I should be able to NOT think about him, and he keeps creeping into my subconscious. On top of all that, then I wake up and I'm already in a terrible mood! And I know that he is certainly not thinking about me and letting it ruin his day.
The reason this has been such a hard breakup for me is because I thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Not because I had some deluded ideals about our relationship, but because that's what the motherfucker told me!! "You're so amazing." "I didn't know women could be like you." "You're the woman I want to spend my life with." "We're partners. I'll always be there for you. We'll find a way to work things out." I didn't imagine all that shit, but maybe he's suffering from some amnesia and doesn't remember saying it.
I know he's out there dating and fucking everything that walks through his bar, and I feel like I'm stuck. It's bullshit that as a result of his cowardice (that's for you, Carrie ) he's the one who is running around all happy and I'm the one who suffers.
Part of me wishes that I could be one of those people that thinks we weren't right together, so I hope that he finds someone to make him happy, but I'm not, at least not in this case. There are people who I feel that way about (you guys know who you are!) but in this case, I hope that lying piece of shit is miserable and unhappy for a long time.
I realize that this sounds bitter, hateful, and a bit psycho, and it is. But I can't help feeling this way right now. I know it will eventually subside, I'm just not there yet...
Yeah! I was finally productive today!! Still haven't worked on any school stuff, but it's a start!!
Maybe I was finally productive today because I was having an angry day. I keep having these dreams about Matt where he is really mean to me, won't make eye contact, and tells me how he is in love with someone else now, that he never felt about me the way he feels about her, and that he never really cared about me. Shitty, right? It makes me so mad because sleep is the one time when I should be able to NOT think about him, and he keeps creeping into my subconscious. On top of all that, then I wake up and I'm already in a terrible mood! And I know that he is certainly not thinking about me and letting it ruin his day.
The reason this has been such a hard breakup for me is because I thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Not because I had some deluded ideals about our relationship, but because that's what the motherfucker told me!! "You're so amazing." "I didn't know women could be like you." "You're the woman I want to spend my life with." "We're partners. I'll always be there for you. We'll find a way to work things out." I didn't imagine all that shit, but maybe he's suffering from some amnesia and doesn't remember saying it.
I know he's out there dating and fucking everything that walks through his bar, and I feel like I'm stuck. It's bullshit that as a result of his cowardice (that's for you, Carrie ) he's the one who is running around all happy and I'm the one who suffers.
Part of me wishes that I could be one of those people that thinks we weren't right together, so I hope that he finds someone to make him happy, but I'm not, at least not in this case. There are people who I feel that way about (you guys know who you are!) but in this case, I hope that lying piece of shit is miserable and unhappy for a long time.
I realize that this sounds bitter, hateful, and a bit psycho, and it is. But I can't help feeling this way right now. I know it will eventually subside, I'm just not there yet...
Bittersweet Endings
Post number 2...
Lately I feel like I'm stuck in that phase where, as soon as you break up with someone, you can only remember all of the good things about them, so I've been trying to remember all of the things about Matt that drove me crazy. I think I was doing a pretty good job, but then… I've been having dreams about him and I wake up and feel like shit all over again.
I hate that 2 months later I'm still crying over that bastard when I'm sure that he never gives me a second thought. I don't understand how guys can just turn their emotions off like a light switch. Sometimes I wish I could be emotionally impotent like that, too. It sure would have made the last few months easier.
Yesterday I finished the first step in a huge undertaking; I finished my first semester of graduate school!! I should be running around and jumping up and down, but all I can think is that I wish I could share it with Matt. He was there through my studying for and taking the GREs, he was there when I got accepted, and he was there for the start of it. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he won't be there for the end of it.
I'm afraid that he will have learned a lot from our relationship and now he will go and be the prefect boyfriend to some other girl who didn't put in all the work. I'm afraid that I will graduate from school and become successful, but be all alone with no one to share it with (except the kitties!). I'm afraid hat I'll never be able to really trust anyone again, because I trusted Matt, and look how that turned out…
Thank God for girlfriends and liquor!
Lately I feel like I'm stuck in that phase where, as soon as you break up with someone, you can only remember all of the good things about them, so I've been trying to remember all of the things about Matt that drove me crazy. I think I was doing a pretty good job, but then… I've been having dreams about him and I wake up and feel like shit all over again.
I hate that 2 months later I'm still crying over that bastard when I'm sure that he never gives me a second thought. I don't understand how guys can just turn their emotions off like a light switch. Sometimes I wish I could be emotionally impotent like that, too. It sure would have made the last few months easier.
Yesterday I finished the first step in a huge undertaking; I finished my first semester of graduate school!! I should be running around and jumping up and down, but all I can think is that I wish I could share it with Matt. He was there through my studying for and taking the GREs, he was there when I got accepted, and he was there for the start of it. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he won't be there for the end of it.
I'm afraid that he will have learned a lot from our relationship and now he will go and be the prefect boyfriend to some other girl who didn't put in all the work. I'm afraid that I will graduate from school and become successful, but be all alone with no one to share it with (except the kitties!). I'm afraid hat I'll never be able to really trust anyone again, because I trusted Matt, and look how that turned out…
Thank God for girlfriends and liquor!
Disappearing Boyfriend
Since I already started my story on another site, I feel like I need to update the rest of you. Here's the first in a series of posts...
I'm not sure exactly where to start...
Last August I met someone. And things happened so fast! He was so many things I always wanted in a man and so many things that I didn't know existed. We spent 14 months together. Were they perfect? Of course not. But they were good. I thought this was it for me. We talked about getting married 3 months into our relationship, and I never wondered if that would really happen, because I felt it in my heart that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought he felt the same way, mostly because he told me he did.
Then, the bottom of my stable world dropped out on me. I can't even tell you exactly what happened because I don't know. I just know that he isn't here anymore because he chose not to be. Some days I'm still in shock because I never in a million years would have predicted this behavior from this man. Other days I feel angry that he would do this. Other days I feel relieved that I got away before we were married and this happened 10 years from now. But most days I just feel sad.
The man that I met last August doesn't exist anymore. I wish you could've met him. He would've given you hope that all men aren't lying cheating bastards. He would've given you hope that true love really does exist. That's what he did for me. But he's gone now, has been replaced by someone I don't recognize.
I'm not sure exactly where to start...
Last August I met someone. And things happened so fast! He was so many things I always wanted in a man and so many things that I didn't know existed. We spent 14 months together. Were they perfect? Of course not. But they were good. I thought this was it for me. We talked about getting married 3 months into our relationship, and I never wondered if that would really happen, because I felt it in my heart that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought he felt the same way, mostly because he told me he did.
Then, the bottom of my stable world dropped out on me. I can't even tell you exactly what happened because I don't know. I just know that he isn't here anymore because he chose not to be. Some days I'm still in shock because I never in a million years would have predicted this behavior from this man. Other days I feel angry that he would do this. Other days I feel relieved that I got away before we were married and this happened 10 years from now. But most days I just feel sad.
The man that I met last August doesn't exist anymore. I wish you could've met him. He would've given you hope that all men aren't lying cheating bastards. He would've given you hope that true love really does exist. That's what he did for me. But he's gone now, has been replaced by someone I don't recognize.
Ways to avoid studying...
I recently gave in to the myspace obsession and started blogging there. I thought it would be cathartic since I had gone through a recent breakup and couldn't do anything but cry for two months. My hope was that some random person out there in cyberspace would read what I had to say and be able to relate to it. But then, my former would-be-future-husband, whom we will for all future purposes refer to as The Douchebag, opened a myspace account, so I decided to make all of my posts private. After all, just because they're about him, doesn't mean he gets to read them. So now, in an effort to maximize the amount of time that I can spend on the computer without actually studying, I think I'll give the whole blogspot thing a try...
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